Queenie: You always know when the modern day British public are left to vote for something it’ll be sh**e and tonight was no exception. After all it’s the same tragic lot who allowed the Tories into power.
The Soap Awards are certainly not the BAFTA’S or the TV Times Awards for that matter. I wonder how many who voted for EastEnders even remember the TV Times awards being aired on ITV? About six I suspect.
Vivian: However, oh yes, there was lots of good in the show. The shallow stuff is what I enjoy best, things like sexiest male purrr. Such lowbrow joys that makes it far more entertaining than say the glam but dull Oscars.
And that’s where we should start with this year’s Sexiest Male. And what a lovely selection we had to drool over, I mean choose from dears. The woof woof Matthew Wolfenden (David) in Emmerdale, Danny Mac (Mark) from HollyOaks, Chris Fountain (Tommy) of Coronation Street fame and then the winner. EastEnders’ only reason to watch, Scott Maslen as Jack.
Now I’m not overly interested in the females to be utterly honest but for balance I shall run down who got what while avoiding those who looked like Umpa lumpas with the fake tan overkill and frocks that would give Trinny and Tranny a fright.
Starting with the well-deserved winner, the lovely Michelle Keegan of Coronation Street who plays Tina. Others up for the worthless gong included Jacqueline Jossa (Laura) and Preeya Kalidas (Amira) in EastEnders and Jorgie Porter (Theresa) from HollyOaks.
Villain of the Year
Queenie: Now let’s move onto something more substantial with depth, if that is possible with the British Soap Awards. Yes it’s the much-admired Villain of the Year award. This year someone won it from The Bill, which is nice.
Yes Andrew Lancel picked up the doorstop gong for his role as the vile Frank in Coronation Street.
Others in the category included, and pardon me if I don’t laugh too much, Joshua Pascoe as the dreadful Ben Mitchell in EastEnders. And don’t take dreadful as a compliment. He’s like an angry Pob. (Google Pob Channel 4 darlings if you’re too young to have a clue.) Although, admittedly, Pob was far less wooden and he didn’t have to deal with predicable clichéd scripts four times a week.
Queenie: Also from EastEnders was Ace Bhatti as nasty, vile, pantomime baddie Dr Yusef Khan who died in a hilarious sequence falling through a blazing floor. Now a much more deserving listing was that of Jeff Rawle as Silas in HollyOaks.
Yes darlings, praise for HollyOaks. That storyline of murderous ways proved that when HollyOaks adds decent older cast it can actually be much more than just a ‘teen soap’ it can be a very entertaining ‘family soap’. Personally a much more worthy show for a 7.30pm slot on a mainstream channel.
Vivian: The next award combines my two favourite things; sexy men and men suffering. This year the gong was given to Emmerdale’s much praised, and deservedly so, Danny Miller.
Danny was up against some very sexy, sorry, good actors. Including Chris Gascoyne from Coronation Street. We all love his troubled character of Peter Barlow don’t we? And of course being the son of Ken he would be troubled. Look at Tracey, troubled, and she’s just the step-daughter of Ken.
Emmett J Scanlan as Brendan Brady was up for HollyOaks. No innuendo there dear, not today anyway it’s a family article while Shane Richie was up as himself, sorry, as Alfie Moan in EastEnders. Moon apparently.
Queenie: Now the best actress is brimming with talent, yes its overflowing with performers who can light up a screen like an Emmerdale explosion.
An inferno of an actress won it, again much deserved darlings, the gong went to Alison King of Coronation Street as the raped, traumatised, ruthless man-eating businesswoman Carla Connor. She’s seen more husband’s buried than Elizabeth Taylor sweetie. Rather like myself.
Others included for the nomination were Jo Joyner as Tanya in EastEnders while co-star Nina Wadia was also listed for her part as Zainab and from HollyOaks the lovely Karen Hassan as Lynsey.
I do wish HollyOaks would win a nice biggie. Come on Channel 4 viewers do get voting for next year, although this year it was rightly presented to King.
Best Comedy Performance
Vivian: I was sure Cindy Beale was going to win it for her ‘mancunian’ accent which sounds like it was borrowed from Emmerdale Farm dears, but alas it isn’t to be. And you’d think she’d have been listed as she’s shoved into everyone else’s plots to hear it.
Is there an issue, a trauma or a life event Cindy Beale hasn’t suffered herself so can sympathise with the rest of Coronation Street. She’s like the caring version of the clap, gets bloody everywhere. Her mother is coming into it soon isn’t she Queenie?
Queenie: Yeah, I wonder what accent Sue Johnstone is going to try? Scouse? Scottish? Indian? Anything is possible with the family of Stella Shoehorn (Shoehorned into every scene almost).
Vivian: The winner however is someone who’s been making us laugh for decades. Stephanie Cole from Coronation Street has provided plenty of humour as Sylvia, the overbearing mother of one-time loner Roy Cropper.
It has to be said while no one can ever replace the likes of Maggie Jones as Blanche and Violet Carson as Ena, Sylvia as Stephanie has made another memorable strong Weatherfield female.
Others up for comedy praise included Jan Pearson as Karen in Doctors, which has so few viewers there is more chance of Crossroads coming back darling than it ever winning best soap, Joe Tracini as Dennis in HollyOaks and Tameka Empson as Kim in EastEnders, which apparently still does intentional comedy rather than the unintentional hilarity brought about from the clichéd plots.
Best Young Performer
Queenie: Oxymoron if ever there was so with modern soaps I fear darlings. However out of a heap of tragedy, the tragedy of these young lot trying to act, triumphs a panel picked Lorna Fitzgerald as pain in the a**e Abi in EastEnders.
My personal favourite who acts the socks off everyone in EastEnders is lovely Alexander Bain in Coronation Street. Simon is a treat from the street! That rhymed. I’m blessed with talent, unlike many of these nominations.
Other awfulness this past year has been brought to us by the overrated overused and over the age of being a cute kid anymore, Eden Taylor as boring Belle in Emmerdale. Now don’t get me wrong darling, she’s a sweet little actress, but yawn oh yawn.
I’d rather have Alan Turner back bucking Mrs Bates in an explicit sex scene than have to endure any plot with boring Belle.
Vivian: I enjoyed Belle’s birth, then it rather went down hill with her there after dear.
Spectacular Scene of the Year
Queenie: Celebrating all that is wrong with ‘modern soaps’. The gimmick, the explosion, the sensational rating-grabbing toss that is given president over quality scripts, well formed characters and brilliant storytelling.
Where is the best script award for such well-crafted words? Where is best director for providing the drama through something that is far more difficult to get right than a fire – illustrating a scene with only words to provoke a reaction, a heartache a tragedy.
This is what Coronation Street used to do like no other soap. But instead we celebrate stupid stunts. And there are plenty of those in soap opera these days. I said stunts Vivian, not that. Although now you look at me like that…
Vivian: Its only a bit of fun Queenie dear, don’t take it so seriously. Soaps have moved on from the days where it was about everyday life and a whole episode could pull in 16 million where nothing really happened; just people interacting with each other and their relationships carrying a plot.
Queenie: Sadly, so. Times change and not for the better I say. I recently saw the late, great, wonderful Betty Driver talking about how she loved it in the old days of Corrie when they could just do scenes talking, simply talking, like people do in bars about nothing much. But the scripts were quality, funny and engaging.
Vivan: Even the donkey in Eldorado acted better than some current soap actors. Not naming any in particular but you know the old saying. Why have Cotton when you can have Silk.
Queenie: I suppose we have to get back to the point in hand, you do it Vivian, I can’t bring myself to sink to such depths.
Vivian: The winner of best stunt was Emmerdale. For the recent car crash, which I thought was rather good all being said and done. Trouble is there are so many disasters in the place formerly known as Beckindale I’m surprised they didn’t have all the other disaster nominations as well.
Best On Screen Partnership
Queenie: Enough. The best partnership, soap double-act, went to Jo Joyner and Jake Wood as Pinky and Perky in EastEnders.
Others up for the award included Jeff Hordley and Emma Atkins in Emmerdale. Personally I thought Eric and Val were a much more interesting couple, but that’s just me, clearly.
Queenie: Woodworm rising through Tyler Moon of EastEnders sadly wasn’t nominated.
The winner was Natalie Gumede as Kirsty Soames in Coronation Street. Others listed included Jamie Foreman for panto gangsta Derek Branning in EastGangstaEnders, Gemma Oaten, who I think is fabulous, in Emmerdale and Lu Corfield as Freya Wilson in Midland medical saga Doctors.
The best soap Exit
Vivian: It’s always sad when a much loved soap character departs. I was most upset when Bouncer from Neighbours said farewell, almost traumatised when Percy Sugden’s budgie stopped appearing and was beside myself when Ethel’s little Willy died.
Another farewell that brought a tear to my leg was the departure of Weatherfield’s gobby Becky after a roller coaster of a time. So it was only right that the divine Katherine Kelly should be given the gong of best exit, more so as she didn’t have a most tragic special theme to cart her off.
Also up for the award was Pam St Clement as Pat Evans. Yes it was a sad day when Walford’s former hooker fell off the peg. Marred only by a tinkling end theme that neither summed up the brashness of Pat nor sounded anything more than a cat urinating on a piano frankly dears.
Best dramatic performance
Queenie: There is still plenty of drama in the soap, proper drama, without the need for a fire. Its just rare to find it well done. Like a steak in Yatespoons or whatever its called apparently dear. Jo Joyner took the award for the recent cancer storyline, which thankfully didn’t come with a special theme.
Alison King was also up for this gong, but she’s already won one and I’m sure doesn’t want to be greedy. Not like Vivian hogging all the Corn Flakes.
Also up for it was Jeff Hordley as Cain Dingle in Emmerdale. Jeff should have won an award for most dedicated actor this year, having to have his lovely hairdo ruined for a plot. Reminds me I must feed the cat.
The best storyline this year was given to the suicide plot in Emmerdale. The story saw Jackson, having been left disabled from the neck down after a crash, decide it was time to do a Jacob Sugden and die.
It was well done, and with such lovely to watch actors. Purr.
Best Single Episode
Queenie: From surely the best soap? It is the soap awards so that’s very much unlikely. Watch out, children have been clicking online and iphoning in tragic nominations again.
However common sense prevails with the Best single episode as it goes to the much deserving Coronation Street. Becky’s farewell being the choice.
Lifetime Achievement Award
Well done to Pam St Clement. I will note the ITV press release told us Pat St Clement won the award. Obviously so convincing was Pam her character name lingers long.
Vivian: Do you remember when Pat first arrived. Looking like a old whore?
Queenie: Yes she looked a lot like you dear.
Special Achievement Award
Queenie: Goes to Simon Ashdown for not slitting his wrists while working as a series consultant writer on EastEnders. It is certainly quite an achievement to pump out such poorly written clichéd old drivel for such a long time.
Vivian: But there has been some good episodes and storylines as well.
Queenie: Well you would say that, I bet they all involve ‘hunks’.
Vivian: Charming, I’m sure.
Best British Soap
Vivian: Yes it goes to Coronation… Oh bugger, some parents have let their kids loose online again!
Queenie: Bring back the TV Times TV Awards where the only way you can vote is by sticking a stamp on a coupon and posting it. Most of the little sh**s won’t be able to afford the 60p!
The God awful teenage dross, which makes my tits sag darlings, EastEnders has won it. This is what the BBC apparently call quality drama, I’ve several other words for it which I can’t possibly say here. I think I’d rather beeb bosses spent my licence fee on cheep prostitutes and gin, if they don’t already.
Not to worry, ITV, maybe you could start rigging it again next year and we’ll have a decent winner.
Views on the Awards
ATV Today, for balance and fairness, asked ATV Today reporters Maria Brabiner and Chris Stacey for their views on the two ‘big’ soaps. Maria, from Salford where Corrie is set, and Chris from London’s East End where the ‘Enders reside provide their views on the past year:
Chris Stacey mourns the loss of Pat Evans – “EastEnders saw one of its icons leave the show this year with Pat I think the lead up to Pam St Clement leaving gave the show a boost.”
While in Corrie – “As somebody who voted in this year’s awards, I’m really pleased to see Alison King receive the award for Best Actress. She thoroughly deserves it, she’s one of the best actresses on Coronation Street. Long may she continue. I’m also pleased to see that Katherine Kelly featured in another award for Corrie, Best Exit. A fine actress who will most certainly be missed.” said Maria Brabiner
Chris feels the Walford-set soap has had some good moments this year, – “There was some very good acting this past year and the episode were Pat dies was done exceptionally well in a “Play for Today” style format.”
While Maria thinks the Weatherfield saga has suffered somewhat, – “There have been some dodgy scenes in the past year in Corrie (Annie Walker `bequeathing The Rovers’ to Betty and Stella’s arrival and dodgy accent. Maybe that’s why they didn’t win Best Soap but most probably its because ‘Enders is better in getting the mass vote out”
Written by Queenie Le Trout and Vivian Summers. With thanks to Chris Stacey and Maria Brabiner. The views of all concerned are their own and are not endorsed by ATV Today or ATV Network Limited.