Now you know us, we don’t like CRAP (Copy Rearrange And Paste) where we can help it, so you’ll find our Big Brother round-ups are rather unique as Queenie and Vivian add their own style to the latest proceedings in the BB House.

Warning, this round-up contains strong language from the outset.

DAY TEN

Vivian says: The day started with Becky and Luke S speculating about the day ahead, will it be as exciting as the day they all argued of sausages, the suspense is just too much for me! Arron and Conor were in the garden dabbling in a spell of mutal masturbation. Oh sorry, no that was just me daydreaming. They were in the garden as Arron talked about the only decent thing going for him – his looks. He reveals that although he is comfortable about his body, “In my mind, I’m a bit insecure.” Well that’s not quite the word I was looking to describe you darling, but it’ll do.

In edge of the seat stuff Big Brother announces that the shopping list is now available.

Arron went to the bedroom where he was talking about the forthcoming eviction. He tells the housemates that it would be great to catch up with family and friends but wants to remain in the house. “I don’t think feel it’s my time to go, I don’t want to go,” he adds. Chris comes over to him and they hug.  Arron grumbles: “We don’t deserve to be up.” Sweetie do you deserve to be on TV at all? Think you’reself lucky you’ve been given these few weeks of, er, fame. I think they can class appearing on Channel 5 as fame? They do get more than six viewers now don’t they? Remember when it was just hours and hours of snow blizzard they showed?  Queenie adds: Oh that’s right, we couldn’t get the signal you fool.

Vivian continues:  Caroline and Scott are in the kitchen talking about Chris. She says Arron is a “cool person” but says that Chris has “no redeeming characteristics whatsoever!” Scott agrees and says that the result of the eviction is down to the public. Well not exactly discerning public, they did vote Denise Welch as a winner sweetie just for lobbing her old tits out.

Luke S was getting a relaxing rub down from Ashleigh. “I love the way your bum tenses up,” she adds. Luke A and Lauren are talking about the house dynamics. Luke A admits that he doesn’t get on with Luke S and claims that Luke S “has to be the big ‘I Am’ all the time.” He mentions that he is good friends with Adam, who is also a good friend of Luke S, “So maybe I’m missing something,” he ponders.  I’ve no comment to add to that darling, the list of what you’re missing dearheart would be too long to log.

Some of the housemates are in the hot tub discussing game play. Chris feels that Luke S is “playing it safe” by forming a relationship in the house. Adam looks confused and Lydia tells him: “You can last in the programme longer if you’re in a relationship.” Lauren reveals that Ashleigh has told Luke S that she didn’t want a serious relationship.

Arron and Caroline are in the bathroom laughing about their first impressions of each other. “I thought you were the most vain person ever,” she grins. She mentions his “Abtastic” comment and says that at the time, she thought he was an “absolute prick,” and Arron is in fits of laughter. Caroline says that she realises they are both “childish,” and Arron agrees laughing even harder. You know when you have an urge just to slap people darlings? I was feeling then, I really was.

Big Brother has delivered this week’s shopping but Chris is not amused. “We’ve got 31 loaves, for a week, no crisps, no fizzy pop.” Well it couldn’t hurt his figure to go without for a week now would it darling? You’re not exactly going to starve dear, with all that lard.

Lydia is in the bedroom talking about Chris’ comments. “Who gives a shit, there are people who don’t even have any frigging food in the world!” Chris and Shievonne are standing by the diary room
door. He moans that Becky has already started to eat some of the new food. “She’s only had one pineapple chunk!” Shievonne defends.

In the garden, Chris tries to work his charms on Deana and asks her if she finds him “attractive.” “You’re very funny but no, I don’t,” she smiles. Bailiffs are so sexy aren’t they? I mean you just have to drool at people who go ‘nicking’ other people’s property.

Yawn time sweetie, Ashleigh was in the bedroom, she told some of her fellow housemates that she was having second thoughts about her relationship with Luke S. “I’m not gonna make something happen that’s not gonna happen,” she announces. “Are you not feeling it?” Scott asks and Ashleigh says that she isn’t. She tells them that although Luke S “is lovely,” they have “nothing in common, at all.” She says that although she is “100 percent” attracted to him, it is not enough.

Arron is planning his eviction outfit with the help of Scott and Shievonne.  Personally darling, that stupid outfit he wore the other day would do – let’s show it again below just because we can  darlings! I mean there is nothing more attractive than a man in tight rubber red shorts. Especially one who ends up looking such a tit.

Later Caroline and Lauren were talking about Ashleigh in the living room. Lauren cries and says that no-one likes her: “I just can’t win, I can’t do this anymore.” Yep dear, ain’t that just the truth. Anyway Caroline goes into the bedroom and tells Ashleigh that she should come and reassure Lauren. Ashleigh huffs,“Fucking hell, she starting drama again is she?” Caroline says that she advised Lauren that the two of them should clear the air. How much air clearing has there been in this series so far? It should be as pure as Mother Teresa by now dears.

DAY ELEVEN

Eleven days, says Queenie, God we’ve endured this for nearly two fucking weeks. It’s almost as torturous as watching endless episodes of Piers Morgan back to back. Oh you remember Scott left the house for a few hours in the last issue. Well apparently only, only, his sister died. The Daily Star reports that Scott learned the tragic news that she had died suddenly and unexpectedly. After spending a short time with members of his family, Scott made the decision to return to the house. The fame-seeking whore! Your fucking sister has died and a third-rate TV show is more important than mourning with your family. What a fucking little shit.

Anyway it was the day of eviction in the BB House and commenting on the situation, Arron says: ‘Today is the day…it’s a good day for an eviction…I just hope it’s not me.’ Chris says to himself: ‘It’s judgement day.’

Deana tells Big Brother, ‘I hope Arron goes because if he stays I’ll be up for nomination next week because all the boys will vote against me and I get along better with Chris than with Arron, so I’m hoping Chris stays.’ Later in a beautiful scene of male bonding Chris shares a male grooming moment with Benedict, the strictly only straight porn star, as he gets his spots ‘popped’.

Chris says excitedly: ‘Wow, I’m going to have a field day.’ Benedict seems a bit anxious: ‘Have I really got that many spots?’ Chris says: ‘Yeah, you’ve got loads…this one’s going to be a shooter…there’s a hair coming out of this fucker.’

Big Brother asks Caroline how posh she thinks she is. A shocked Caroline responds: ‘I’m not posh at all, not in any shape or form, like not at all.’ Amazing fuckers, someone in the BB House has told the truth.

Big Brother sets Caroline a secret mission. She has to confide in two housemates and tell them that she is related to the Royal Family, and that her full title is THE HONOURABLE CAROLINE ROSE WHARUM, daughter of the DUKE OF CARNARVON.

Caroline thinks that: ‘This is ridiculous’. Sensible as well as honest. Caroline sets about her secret task and turns on the waterworks. Seeing her upset, Sara takes her to the bathroom to talk.

Deana asks Adam if she can take her tensions out on him to which he obliges, she hits him with a cushion. Adam then goes to touch Lydia’s feet while she lies on the bed and she tells him to leave her feet alone. Lydia then tells Deana she doesn’t want him touching her and that he should go bother someone else.

Adam is in the garden with Luke S, Arron and Conor, he tells them he had to do a boot camp when he was on probation, he’s tells them how hard it was. Doth, my heart it bleeds for you darling. Now onto something interesting, is there anything interesting…

Lydia and Deana are in the bedroom, Deana says she find everyone’s conversations boring. Not just us then darlings!

Lydia moved the subject onto Lauren, she says there is a lot of fakery in the house and that she’s forcing the other girls to be friends with her. She also says Becky is nice but it’s just because of the nominations.

Caroline, Sara and Lauren are called to the diary room. They are told that Caroline’s trickery was a task and that they have won the task. The girls go into the small task room for some afternoon tea. They are very excited and they sing God Save the Queen before they sit down to eat.

Later that evening, Chris, thank frig, is evicted from the BB House. Lydia says: ‘He (Chris) didn’t really do anything wrong, he had a good heart, he was a big character…he’ll be missed.’

Becky tells Big Brother about Chris leaving: ‘I could have eaten 12 Big Macs in 20-seconds for the amount of happiness that was going through my head.’ Lauren says to Arron: ‘I’m looking out for ya babes, I’m so happy for you, congrats.’ She then jokingly adds: ‘You might be a little shit-face but I love ya!’.

Benedict denies that he is bisexual, saying instead that he is ‘a human being’ he does not want to be labelled. So he takes it up the shitta then darlings? Is that what he’s saying in a none-labelled type way?

Arron later tells Big Brother, ‘This place is going to be fun, I’m looking forward to it, I can’t wait till tomorrow.’ I’m holding Arron to that, its taking fucking eleven days so far waiting for ‘fun’ to happen and the most we’ve come near is bastard Orville the Duck that wasn’t funny in frigging 1982 let alone 2012.

DAY TWELVE

Vivian says, The day Arron has promised will be where the fun starts. It begins with Luke A treating the housemates to a breakfast of pancakes. Well say what you like that is at least more interesting that watching ITV’s Daybreak isn’t it dears?

None-bisexual-not-at-all-honest-he-says Benedict is inthe garden checking out his
reflection.

Later in the diary room Benedict recalls what he said to Scott the previous night: ‘If this is
the way you behave when you drink I suggest you have a serious think about how much you drink, or something along those lines, and then he stormed off. I tried to be calm in my comments but I think I needed to be stern because he wasn’t in a state where he was being particularly cohesive…it was to let him know that he had crossed a line.’

Benedict continues: ‘A few of us have expressed concern about the regularity of deliveries of alcohol in this house, and I might be in the kitchen and walk towards the store cupboard and out the bedroom you hear the ‘Wwaahhh’, the screaming of the highest pitch, and three girls I
think, mainly, who come rushing across the kitchen as if they’ve never drunk alcohol in their lives…it is so immature and it’s indicative of a whole generation and their relationship with this drug, this legalised drug, called alcohol and the way they see it as…they’re so dependent on it, the be all and end all of having a fun night.’

Darlings I think I’ve found the words that should be on Big Brother’s grave when it finally does get laid to rest. “it is so immature and it’s indicative of a whole generation” courtesy of none-bisexual-only-straight-porn-star Benedict.

Becky is in the bedroom with some of the housemates and has a question about how many people it takes to constitute a gang bang. Gosh is it about to actually get exciting dears?

Caroline recalls: ‘I was watching Friends with my dad, and I said, ‘Daddy, what’s an orgy?’…it was quite awkward. I think he said a ‘special cuddle’…just mortifying.’

Luke A is in the Diary Room talking about groups forming in the house. He tells Big Brother: ‘I don’t like it when they all get in groups, it’s like little animals hunting in packs or something…you’ve got the girls, Sara, she’s like the leader of the Pink Ladies (in Grease),
it’s her, and Caroline, and I think Becky’s in there…I feel really sorry for Lauren because they don’t seem to accept her in that group.

Housemates are gathered together for today’s task, which is sadly not a gang bang, orgy or in any way nude task. Instead its a ‘dance off’. Thrilling. Strictly Go Big Brother Dancing.

For the task, if you give a fuck, two housemates will be randomly selected to compete against each other. As a professional dancer, Lydia will act as judge and critique each performance and picking the winner in each pair.

The prize for the task winners, and Lydia, is a hip-hop party tonight. See the excitement level reach its peak. Not. Later Shievonne told Big Brother of the dance off, ‘I’m not one to call names but the cringiest was Ashleigh and Luke, at one point I didn’t know what I was actually looking at.’

Meanwhile, Luke A and Lauren in the garden talking about Scott and Benedict. Lauren says to Luke: ‘Scott and Benedict fell out…Scott was drunk and drinking in this place is no good, everyone gets well too emotional. I can’t think of a night where there hasn’t been a ruckus.’

Lauren moves on to taking about Lydia: ‘As much as I love Lydia she really puts people down.’ Luke A offers: ‘I think she’s the kind of person who would say it to their face.’

While Benedict is having some alone time in the bath, Luke S in the Diary Room. Luke S says: ‘Obviously we all know I should have won my heat, however, I’ll let Ashleigh go to the party…I might take advantage and have an early night.’

Big Brother asks Luke S if he’ll miss Ashleigh while she’s at the party. He answers: ‘A little bit maybe’

Back to the same old question that has been asked over and over again the past few days, and no amount of booze BB shove into the house has got anyone shagging, just tedious arguments. But again anyway, in the bedroom Lauren asks Luke S if he would have sex with Ashleigh in the house. His answer is no.

Scott is talking to Caroline and says: ‘I don’t know what’s going on in Benedict’s head.’ Caroline says: ‘He’s extremely complex’. Some of the housemates are trying to sleep, but Conor and Arron have other ideas. They dress up in some of the party clothes and go into the bedroom and annoy Ashleigh. She isn’t happy: ‘Fuck off, I’m tired.’

And on what a better note than to end this round-up of the nations favourite freak show.

Big Brother airs nightly on Channel 5