ATV’s Showbiz reviewers Queenie and Vivian take a look at the recent events in the Big Brother house as they provide the lowdown of whats been going on at Channel 5’s reality show.

Warning, contains strong language from the outset.

DAY SEVEN

Queenie with the highlights, and lowlights of Day Seven: Now as we know Becky was a wildcard entrant and don’t you just want to strangle the fuckers who let her run riot in the BB House?

The live wire – and that’s me being polite dear – voted for Chris because she doesn’t feel as though they got off to the best start and states: ‘It’s given me a really bad taste for Chris.’ Well you shouldn’t be licking contestants darling, thats just rank.

Her nomination comes as a result of a previous conversation where Chris reacted badly to Becky guessing that he was a rubbish collector. Well he does look like one doesn’t he darlings? He’s not exactly televisual is he?

Becky’s second nomination was for Lydia with the excuse ‘She(Lydia) gets too involved in everyone’s business and gives dirty looks.’ Sounds like Lydia would be perfect for a role on frigging Coronation Street then. As Mr Cotton proves just turn up darlings, no need to act.

Then we h ad Lydia herself nominating always-getting-his-top-off Arron, she says he’s on her evition list because he is ‘over-confident and playing the game.’  She adds ‘He doesn’t bring anything to the house.’ Don’t you hate those fuckers who come to your party and drink all the best booze yet don’t even bring a bottle along as a gift. That’s usually Vivian when we go to house parties it has to be said sweetie.

Her second nomination, if you care very much, and I doubt you do if you’ve stumbled here looking for porn with a girl called Lydia from Bangcock who actually has a dick. Anyway Lydia nominates Deana. This is down to Becky’s secret task, Deana insinuated that Lydia was talking about Becky behind her back.

Luke S’ first nomination goes to Deana because she distances herself from fellow housemates. Well with the shallow freak show we’ve got in BB this year, wouldn’t you distance yourself from the vain and the dim? Make a note of that Vivian, The Vain and the Dim. Sounds like a potential  American soap opera.  Luke adds that ‘Deana tries to make everything about herself.’ Pot and kettle darling, don’t all housemates do that?

His second nomination goes to Chris, stating that he feels that he has been on occasion, ‘out of order’. Like the lav’s down our local as of late. Rumour has it Michelle McManus used them and they’ve not been able to clear the shit out as yet, but she did do well on the wee karaoke. That was just gossip of course and neither I nor Vivian can confirm or deny such things.

Benedict, the porn star. Strictly straight porn that is of course. Of course… His first nomination goes to Scott as he is concerned that at times he can be offensive to other housemates. If I was in there I’d be fucking offensive to fellow housemates. Fucking skanky bunch of nobodies. Benedict’s second nomination goes to Sara because her character changes, especially when she has had a drink. I know people like that. There are staff here at ATV who are like that. One minute they’re sober and straight, the next minute they’re pissed and taking it up the chuffer.

Chris nominates Arron because he feels that despite being a nice person he may be playing a safe game and that he is not being himself. Chris’s second nomination goes to Caroline because he believes that she can be unhygienic. He also doesn’t like her because she takes the ‘piss’ out of his voice. *Takes the piss out of Chris’ voice* Shame you can’t hear me darlings, that was uncanny.

God how many friggin’ more of these fucking nominations are there? It’s like Eurovision with no redeeming talent.

Caroline’s first nomination goes to Chris because she doesn’t think that he is ‘all there’. She refers to him as unhygienic and does not find him very interesting. I tell you what I have found interesting in the BB House sweetie, the sofas. Gotta lovely Ikea feel to them.

Her second nomination goes to Lauren, accusing her of acting like ‘Mrs Charming’ the evening before nominations. She refers to Lauren as ‘artificial’ and as being overly nice to fellow housemates in order to gain more votes. How can she call anyone in BB artificial? An outrage. They’re all as real as Vivian’s plastic flowers.

Conor nominates Deana  and Lydia for reasons I fail to give a flying fart about while Deana nominates Luke and Arron. Then Adam nominates Arron and on and fucking on it goes. I guess it proves neither Chris nor Arron are that popular darlings.

DAY EIGHT

Vivian tells us: It was a grey morning in the Big Brother house but hold your excitement because the housemates had to share their first shopping task. Yes it really is that side splittingly dramatic dears.

The housemates woke up to the song The Laughing Policeman which is being played into the house.  One of the boring farts known as a fame-seeking whore, or as Channel 5 call them, contestants, discovered a Laughing Sailor fairground attraction in the living area and informs the other housemates.

The challenge was that housemates must not laugh for the duration of the task but Big Brother will be doing everything possible to make them laugh out loud. Housemates will incur a fail for laughing, as well as smirks, titters and mega LOLs. The task will start and finish on the sound of the sailor’s laughter.  Well I’ve not laughed yet darlings through eight days of this reality series dear, so surely they can’t fail?

In the diary room Shievonne tells Big Brother that she is “traumatised,” and is worried that clowns will enter the house as part of the task. Shievonne is unaware that several clowns have already entered the house and asks: “Are there any kind of clowns coming into the house?” Meanwhile in the living area, housemates are trying not to laugh as the clowns cause havoc with custard pies and bike horns. In the diary room Shievonne hears the commotion and tells Big Brother she heard a “clown horn,” and decides to stay put. Most of the housemates are covered in foam. Chris and Benedict have been pied in the face and clowns are throwing eggs across the house. “Look at the state of this place, there’s eggs everywhere, pricks!” Chris yells. Sing it sister. Pricks! I like that word.

Scott is in the hot-tub with Becky discussing tactics of how to stifle their giggles. Watch Russell Brand darling?

Caroline, Sara and Lauren are in the kitchen, were trying not to laugh and agree that the task is difficult. Caroline says she will think about sad films like Schindler’s List and Titanic. Sara smirks and leaves the conversation. Becky, Scott and Shievonne are in the garden. Becky guesses that they may be allowed up to 25 fails in the task.

The big news later was Arron was not laughing in the diary room. You’ll be pleased to know. Big Brother has presented him with a giant loo roll costume. Queenie would say that sums up the show, but I won’t suggest anything is shit dears, because Channel 5 are very good to us and very good to the Big Brother fans for saving this daily laugh-a-minute series from the axe man at Channel 4.

Chris mentions that he had a problem with Scott for nominating him but also has a problem with her. “You’ve picked yourself the wrong person!” he adds and mentions that she got “involved” with a “situation that wasn’t yours” on her first night in the house. Becky blows a mock kisses at Chris who quips: “I find it quite attractive.” He leaves the bedroom and sarcastically says that he has an “admirer” before adding: “Fucking mug!” I do love a good fight, and that wasn’t  a good fight.

In the kitchen, Becky fails to realise that too many cooks spoil the broth as Luke A prepares to cook for his fellow housemates. As she busily takes out ingredients Luke A walks off and tells his housemates that it’s “fine” if someone else wants to cook and goes into the bedroom. Arron explains to Becky that Luke A had already prepped the meal and Becky tells him that she had not realised. Arron suggests that she explain to Luke A that she was unaware of the situation. In the bedroom Becky apologises to Luke A who tells her not to worry. Its just like an episode of Neighbours when it was worth watching with Helen Daniels and Jim Robinson, isn’t it?

 Comedy legend Keith Harris and Orville the Duck turn up. Orville tells Keith that he likes Chris: “Cos he looks like me, and sounds like me. He could be my daddy.” Oh goodness, my first laugh of the series, since it began in 2000 dear!

Ashleigh and Luke S have decided to go public. Some of the housemates are in the kitchen as Ashleigh and Luke S hug. Ah love is in the air. Bets will be on how long it lasts…

DAY NINE

Queenie says: Ashleigh and Luke S are in the bedroom the morning after they have shared a kiss. Shievonne tells Ashleigh she wants her and Luke S to be “together forever”. I could quote the Rick Astley song here, but fuck me darling that’s some effort to try and remember those lyrics.

Benedict is working, in a very straight, never does gay porn kinda way, out in the garden. Shievonne asks Ashleigh whether she would ever “do anything” in the house. Ashleigh retorts: “No, it would be disgusting and slutty!” Luke S agrees with Ashleigh as she continuously massages his back and shoulders. Spoil sports. We’ve still had no cock this series! I never frigging thought I’d be urning to see Frankie Cocozza ever again, but at least he flashed his only bloody talents – his arse and cock!

Scott was called to the diary room, Big Brother has to inform him of some news of a personal nature. And he leaves, obviously if its serious and devastating he’ll be gone from the series as winning a reality show in the scheme of things isn’t that great is it… well unless you’re a vain queen with fame on your mind.

The housemates have been gathered on the sofa. Big Brother announces that Scott has left the house temporarily for family reasons. Big Brother also tells the housemates that the task is now over and they will receive the results later today. Caroline looks sad following the news about Scott and begins to cry. Sara hugs her and tells Caroline that Scott will be okay. “I’m not being disrespectful but I’m going out,” Chris announces.

Ashleigh is in the bathroom, dyeing Caroline’s hair. “Oh God, half my beautiful hair is pink!” she mocks and begins to imitate her parent’s likely reaction. Arron is doing a number two in the garden – shaving the sides of Conor’s head. Chris quickly takes over when Arron makes a mess of things. Stupid boy.

It’s been four hours since Scott left the house. He returns to the house, goes in to the bedroom and lies down. Can’t have been too serious then, which is good news all round isn’t it?

Adam, Ashleigh, Luke S and some of the other housemates are in the garden. Adam broaches the subject of Ashleigh and Luke S’ relationship and asks: “So, are you guys fucking?” then laughs. Ashleigh quickly shouts, “No, no, no!” and Adam laughs harder. Some of the housemates are laughing as Adam continues: “If you do have sex, let me know so I can rub one out in my bed!” Ashleigh looks disgusted and repeats the comment to the gathered housemates. They all laugh but feign disgust. Now this is more of what I’d expect from BB and Channel 5 darlings.

Housemates have been gathered on the sofas for the result of this week’s shopping task. During the task, housemates were allowed a number of fails. The exact number is written in an envelope that is attached to the laughing sailor. Chris is instructed to retrieve the envelope. He announces that the housemates were allowed up to 25 fails and they all look nervous. Big Brother announces that housemates incurred 19 fails and they have therefore passed the task. They cheer loudly and hug as Big Brother informs them that they will also receive beer and pizza later this evening.

Adam tries to convince Caroline to give Chris a chance, “The banter between you two is sexual tension,” he grins. Chris walks into the room and they all fall silent. He sits with them and tells Caroline, “I’m so attracted to you it hurts, they say that you always hurt the ones you love.” Caroline remarks that she must have “misunderstood” him following his comment to “shit in my bed.”
The housemates burst into laughter. Caroline tells him that she feels “genuinely” bad now. When Chris leaves the room Lydia tells them they should do a double bluff and make Chris believe that Caroline really does like him. After a short while Caroline tells Chris that she will take him up on his offer of sharing a pizza.

Chris is looking forward to his date. Caroline is in the garden talking to Scott about her fake-date. She says that Chris possesses “0.5 of a brain” and calls him “the world’s biggest moron” with the “IQ equivalent to a palm tree.” Chris is in the bedroom getting ready for the fake-date and is going “all out.” Becky encourages him and tells him that it will be “the only time you’ll get to pull in the house.” “You cheeky bastard!” he retorts to Becky.

Chris and Caroline had their hot date and visited the diary room in turn to fill Big Brother in on the details. “That was the worse seven minutes of my life,” exclaims Caroline. During the date Chris told Caroline that he wanted to be a millionaire and would achieve this through his work as a bailiff. She told him that she had “no aspirations” and mocked his “bailifting (sic)” talk. During the date Caroline told Chris that he was actually a “softy” rather than a hard man. In the diary room Chris tells Big Brother that it would be “silly” of them not to have a “second date.”

Ashleigh has something on her mind. In the bedroom, Becky, Caroline and Scott are discussing Chris. “I’ve never come across anyone so ghastly, that’s why I didn’t take the joke well, cos he’s my worst nightmare!” Caroline muses.

Some of the housemates are in the bedroom dissing the throne. Sara thinks that the Queen doesn’t “poo.” Ashleigh is lying on her bed looking tearful and Luke S calls her over. She stays on her bed and Luke S comes over to her and asks her is she is all right. She says that she is and he urges her to come and talk to him in the living area.

Big Brother airs nightly on Channel 5