The excitement of Big Brother continues nightly on Channel 5, but once more Queenie and Vivian put their own angle on the past few days in the Big Brother house.

Warning the article contains strong language from the start.

Queenie: We’re looking at days sixteen to nineteen in this issue darlings, we’ll look at more recent events over the weekend. I’m sure some of you will be wondering why we didn’t look at these days earlier in the week. The answer is simple dears, unlike BB fans we have a life darling and have much more interesting things to do than watch the stupid and the vain sit around in a house bickering.  There is quite enough of that with EastEnders let alone ‘reality’ TV sweetie.

DAY SIXTEEN

Queenie: Housemates have been taking part in this week’s shopping task for the last 24 hours. Benedict, Luke A and Lydia are scientists performing experiments on the remaining housemates, their lab rats.

To win a luxury shopping budget, the scientists must correctly predict the outcome of the majority of their experiments. Yesterday, they correctly predicted 5 out of the 6 experiments. Now the scientists are considering their role in the task.

Lydia says to her fellow scientists, ‘I really want to win because we said we’re the most intelligent. I really want to, like, live-up to the expectations.’ Benedict adds, ‘These guys are just having to be themselves.’ Lydia ends with, ‘Big Brother has been clever…they’ve used us.’

The scientists are talking to Big Brother about their latest experiment. They said it didn’t go very well, not what they expected.

Luke A comments, ‘Was it the right messages you were playing to her last night?’

Benedict adds, ‘As I predicted, 20 years of being treated like a spoilt brat and just takes the easy option. Unfortunately one night hasn’t made any difference to life.’

Lydia is disappointed in the people who took part, ‘They are not thinking about the shopping basket. They are not team players.’

In the living room some of the housemates are discussing the experiments. Conor explains, ‘I have a strong feeling that we have failed. We haven’t got a clue what we’re doing.’

Benedict replies, ‘Well you get told what you’re doing. It seems people want to eat chick peas and lentils in this house as you get told what to do but don’t do it. Some people in this house deserve a simple shopping budget; they don’t even deserve that to be honest with you.’ He continues, ‘We are not the enemies, we are on your side and want you to pass the task. I’m not here from Friday so why should I give a shit? Just do what we’re telling you to do and everything will be fine.’

Lab rat Caroline is in the kitchen talking to some fellow lab rats. She has decided who she wants to be evicted. Looking at Benedict, she says, ‘I really want him to go on Friday.’

Ashleigh adds, ‘Every person she’s (Caroline) wanted to go, has gone.’ Caroline replies, ‘No, not at all. I’m worried he’ll stay with us. Imagine coping with that?’

In the living room, its scientist Lydia’s birthday tonight and she’s wondering if there will be any special guests tonight. ‘I reckon someone’s coming…maybe even like Flawless. Wouldn’t that be great if my mates come and did a dance performance?’

Luke S adds, ‘If fucking Andrew Stone walks in this house, I’ll tell him what an absolute prick he is.’  Poor Andrew, at least he makes this bunch of boring fuckers seem interesting.

In the bedroom, Caroline and Deana are talking to Lydia about Becky. Caroline says, ‘She’s irritating the shit out of me. She destructs my self esteem.’ Funny, I was just thinking that about you friggers too. Lydia gives her view about Becky, ‘Her habits are quite annoying. She’s worried about being up.’

Big Brother explains that the scientists will conduct an intelligence test on these 3 lab rats. To help their motivation they will administer an increasingly severe electric shock for every wrong answer they give. The shocks will range from 100 to 1000 volts and have the potential to be extremely painful.

What the scientists don’t know is that the lab rats won’t actually receive any shocks. To pass the task, the lab rats must convince the scientists that they are being electrocuted, and the scientists must stop the task before they reach the highest electric shock setting of 1000 volts.

Lydia has no problem electrocuting Lauren, Arron and Adam; Luke A says he’s happy to shock Arron. Arron, as you can see above provided the best entertainment today showing his arse in the shower. The rats give incorrect answers to 7 questions, resulting in increasing levels of shocks. Arron, Lauren and Adam convincingly pretend to be shocked. At one point Lydia says, ‘This is uncomfortable to watch.’

The scientists then decide to end the experiment at 800 volts meaning that the lab rats successfully convinced the scientists that they were being shocked and results in them passing the test. The food in the house that was confiscated from the housemates for the duration of the task is now returned. Some of the housemates, led by Luke S, unpack the food in the kitchen.

Housemates are in the bedroom getting ready to celebrate Lydia’s birthday. Lydia is wondering if there is going to be a party.

Big Brother then calls the housemates to the sofa where they are told there will be some big news. Big Brother tells the housemates that they are no longer permitted to discuss nominations with each other.
Predications, guessing, discussions about nominations are not allowed and there will be severe repercussions if housemates are caught doing any of this. Housemates have been warned. There is no mention of Lydia’s birthday which results in Lydia saying, ‘What a shit birthday, I’m going to bed.’

Benedict goes to the diary room to talk about his frustrations surrounding Big Brother’s new rule about not allowing the housemates to discuss nominations. Shievonne and Deana are talking about the ban on nomination in the toilet. Shievonne explains, ‘I don’t think anyone should talk about it in the first place. I think subconsciously, alliances are going to
happen.’

Lydia is called into the diary room. She shouts out, ‘I’m not interested!’ Deana forces Lydia to get up, change into a dress and go into the diary room where she finds a birthday cake from Big Brother. She is played ‘Happy Birthday’ to mark her special occasion

Most of the housemates are in the house having a good time at the party. Out in the pool, Luke A is talking to Benedict about Luke S. Luke A asks Benedict, ‘Do I need to chill? Maybe subconsciously I’m jealous of his physique, jealous of him being able to dominate the house.’

DAY SEVENTEEN

Vivian: Housemates gathered on the sofas as Big Brother announced that the new rule that housemates must not discuss nominations had been broken. Get out the whips and chains and make them all smack each other I say dears. Sadly nothing as entertaining as that was to happen instead BB turned off the hot water.

The crime had been an incident from the previous night in which Caroline remarked about Becky: ‘She’s so annoying’ and Conor added ‘She’ll be up (for eviction) so many times.’

Caroline and Conor apologised to the Housemates, but Benedict wasn’t happy and firmly told Caroline: ‘No you’re not (sorry) because you bitch about people all the time, you’ve been incredibly nasty.’

That’s her told, by the porn king. Sara is consoling Becky in the bathroom.  An upset Becky says: ‘I feel really shit…I’d rather her not be so nasty.’ Awww poor girl, welcome to life dear not everyone has to like you, especially such annoying twits such as you lovely.

Lauren is in the Diary Room and talks to Big Brother about how two-faced Caroline is. She says: ‘I’m really glad you played it, at least now people can see through it…you’ve caused a right stir.’

Caroline goes to make peace with Benedict and says to him: ‘I’ve taken it into consideration and think you’re completely right…I think I’ve come across as if I’m so ungrateful for everything my parents have done and I’m not. I respect you so much for saying that to my face.’

Actress award to table Caroline please, later, Big brother calls Benedict and Lauren to the Diary Room. As both Housemates are facing eviction this week, Big Brother wants to give them the opportunity to ensure that they leave (if evicted) a legacy in the Big Brother House.

Bordom on both accounts would be a fitting word to be placed in their files for what they’ve given BB personally.

Anyway to try and entertain the masses Lauren, as a world class Karate champion, will be holding a martial arts master class in the garden for the three Housemates of her choice. Benedict, as a teacher and porn actor, will be giving a sex education lecture in the living area for three Housemates of his choice.

In a dramatic twist the premium shopping has arrived and Luke S is in charge of putting it away. While in game play Adam had proposed marriage where in the bathroom, Shievonne and Ashleigh are discussing Adam’s proposal.

Shievonne says: ‘I don’t know why I’m so jarred…he’s nice, too nice for me, well not too nice…I think he might feel a bit embarrassed.’ Ashleigh tells her:  ‘I think you’re attracted to him, you’re in
denial, there’s something there.’

Luke S won some protein powder after successfully completing his shopping task, but last night Benedict decided to spice things up by secretly adding some curry powder to the tub of protein.

Luke S is not best pleased and says: ‘I swear to god, if I saw anyone doing this I’d kick their fucking face in.’

Conor and Luke S are discussing the curry powder scandal, and Conor tells, in a prissy tell-tale way, to Luke S: ‘I think it was Benedict.’ Benedict and Luke A are still talking about the hot topic of the day and Benedict is not letting on it was him Luke A says: ‘It’s bloody genius.’ Yes the biggest scandal of the day is curry powder.

Out in the smoking area, Luke S says it’s ‘twisted’ that somebody would have done that. Scott thinks that maybe it was ‘someone who was jealous’ that Luke S had the protein powder.

Luke A continues to find himself wound up by Luke S and says: ‘I’m not even going to fucking watch.’

Very good idea, I shall turn you all off too and do something more interesting like watch paint dry or throw darts at Brian Dowling’s photo on Queenie’s dart board.

DAY EIGHTEEN

Vivian: Following Luke A’s advice, we didn’t watch it dears so next…

DAY NINETEEN

Queenie: We don’t watch it for a day and has anything interesting happened while we were away? Oh yes! Only the porn star has been evicted! In any other instance I’d be annoyed, the chance of a bit of nudity and cock on show on BB is one of the only reasons I can borther  to tune in. However he had to be one of the most mind numbingly boring porn stars I’ve ever come across so no grea t loss! Yes the fucker that was Benedict has been evicted from the Big Brother house. As a result of Benedict taking a chair with him, Big Brother punishes the remaining housemates by removing every single chair in the house. Some of the housemates go to the diary room to vent their views. Lydia says, ‘The punishment reflects what he did. I understand.’

It’s Ashleigh’s 21st birthday today, Adam asks her did she have birthday sex with Luke S last night. She replies, ‘No I didn’t do nothing. Just a bit of fun.’ Ashleigh goes to chat to Sara and Shievonne about Luke S. Ashleigh denies they had sex but had a ‘bit of fun’. She adds, ‘I can see us having a relationship on the outside.’

With no chairs in the house, some of the housemates are lazing around, except for Conor and Arron who are wrestling in the living area. Conor wins the wrestle, and Arron says that Conor is a strong man. Why isn’t BB bringing compulsory wrestling, men in nice tight lycra could boost ratings no end and my will to live while watching this fucking show.

Big Brother reveals to Ashleigh that she will receive two birthday parties tonight. She is asked to choose two best friends who will each organise a party. She picks Conor and Shievonne to host the parties.

Caroline and Scott are working out in the garden. Scott tells Caroline that when he was younger he used to pretend he was a King and his sister a servant. Caroline laughs.

Lydia is in the diary room telling Big Brother, ‘I’ve lost my best friend Benedict. I want to keep myself to myself and I don’t trust talking to anyone.’ The dancer concludes, ‘I’m not looking forward to a party when my closest friends aren’t there.’

Big Brother gathers the housemates in the living area for an announcement and reminds them that talking about nominations is forbidden. Big Brother reveals to the group that Ashleigh and Shievonne were heard discussing nominations and had stated that Conor doesn’t ‘feel’ Lydia and Deana, and that he would never go up for nominations. As a consequence the hot water is turned off again until further notice.

Lydia goes to the bathroom and talks to herself, ‘Not bothered.’

Ashleigh and Shievonne are talking to the girls in the bedroom about what they had said. Lydia walks through and states that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Shievonne objects to Lydia’s tone and they
start arguing.

The rival parties start, and the birthday girl runs between each party. At Conor’s party, he and Luke S give Ashleigh the birthday bumps which she loves. The parties are in full swing and it seems everyone is getting into the party spirit. Shievonne’s belly dancer entertains her guests and Conor’s magician amazes the housemates with tricks.

Ashleigh is then called into the diary room where Big Brother informs her she must choose the best party. She blurts, ‘This whole experience has been amazing for my 21st.’ The birthday girl announces that Conor’s party is the better party and should continue, meaning Shievonne’s party is closed down.

Whilst the other party continues, Lydia goes to the diary room and admits that she is worried about the outside chanting and admits, ‘What bothers me, is what people have heard on the outside is sealing my fate in the inside.’ She adds, ‘Some behaviour in here is disgusting.’ Stating that it is better to say things behind people’s backs, than to say it right to their faces.

Big Brother, nightly on Channel 5