Queenie and Vivian wrap up their first series with ATV Today with a special festive message to all their dear readers.

Once upon a time there was a teddy-bear called Mohammed who was beheaded by some rather silly and insecure people, for they claimed his name was an insult to their religion. But these silly people were mistaken, and savages, for they were just too insecure about their own religion that they couldn’t tolerate anyone going against what they believed in.

But dears they weren’t the only silly insecure people this year, for closer to home some hardcore Christians had a humour bypass and tried to claim a satirical play was blasphemous, but these ‘Christian’s’ had obviously not tuned in to see the play in question and instead sat in judgement, daring to tell us what to think. For they too couldn’t bear to see their own religion challenged, even though the play was a satirically swipe at society and television only a slight take on religion itself. Oh what foolish people these are, to riot over teddybears called Mohammed and protest over plays on the BBC.

But this was the year of foolishness because away in Portugal some parents left their three children alone while they enjoyed a fine meal. When the parents returned they found one of their kids gone and became celebrities overnight. This time it was the press who told us what to think and believe, instead of the religious nutters. The press, at first, claimed that anyone who spoke out against the parents were monsters and insensitive, but slowly the press turned. The public, however, were no fools and couldn’t understand the parents actions. The parents star began to fade and the press began to savage them, almost daily.

All in all it’s been a bad year for freedom of speech; it’s taken a huge battering, as had freedom to insult, and the two come hand in hand. Vivian and I are quite concerned about the right to insult people; we’ve made a living out of it after all. If people are so insecure about their religious beliefs that they can’t bear to see them challenged then perhaps they need to look closer to home, instead of telling us what to think. Those nutty Africans for one, most Muslims in this country could not believe what was being said by those of the same religious persuasion. Many thought it outrageous that their was calls for beheadings but it would be dangerous to say that Christians don’t act the same way, darlings.

For those silly people at Christian Voice believed a musical was the height of blasphemy and tried to bring charges, for once common sense prevailed but for how long? It’s all about people telling us what to think and feel and these nutters are deciding, for us, that plays are blasphemous and teddy-bears are insult to Islam. We were also told how to feel and what to believe over the foolishness of some parents who left their three children alone, in a foreign country, while they went off for a meal. Well I’m sorry darlings but this is the United Kingdom and we have freedom of speech, and speak we shall! It is our right to criticise, to insult and to speculate and all those who don’t like it know where the door is.

It’s been a tough old year darlings with scandal after scandal in almost every area of our lives, from television to government, abroad and at home. All of our broadcasters were drawn into the premium-phone in scandals, and viewer deception while some idiot in the government managed to lose two CD’s with millions of people’s details on. The biggest mystery of all, however, is why it’s taken so long to realise that the GMTV quizzes are a rip-off, I mean darlings it should have been easy to anyone with half a brain….then again anyone with half a brain wouldn’t be watching Fiona Phillips and company. But honestly dears, the questions are so pathetically easy it would be impossible, unless you really were a moron, to get them wrong.

But GMTV is for chavs, darlings, and chavs are thick – which is why so many other shows hit by the phone-in scandal were also Chav TV. Peter Fincham lost his job after the trailer he presented to critics, with her Majesty the Queen, was inaccurate but frankly darlings he deserved to go – he axed some favourite programmes of mine and Queenie does not forget or forgive. Maybe next year that tit Mark Thompson will also follow? While we’re on tits it seems that ITV hasn’t really improved much under Michael Grade with the horrid Antony Cotton popping up all over the place. Frankly dears if we wanted to watch talentless nobodies we’d watch Big Brother – we don’t and we are not assumed. ITV’s goal for 2008 should be to remove the trashy programming and to do away with Cotton altogether.

So as Vivian and I look to 2008 we want to see a happier year, this year has been so disappointing and depressing. We don’t want to hear anything more about blasphemous plays, or insulting teddy-bears and to be quite blunt – and daring – we want to see the Madeline McCann case over with. People are, darlings, bored with it and that’s a sad thing because a child is still missing with thanks to the press and the McCann’s p.r machine we have all got bored with it all. So lets hope for the safe return of little Maddie and a far happier 2008

For ATV News we’d like to also say it has been lovely to have our newest team member Shaun Linden join us. He’s from Corby, but don’t let that put you off, he’s a talented news reporter and we’re sure he’ll go far. Could even be as far as Glasgow. He’s been with us for most of this year and we hope he’s with us for many more! Welcome to the ATV family Shaun.

A Bear Called Jesus will be on sale in all good branches of Hintons in the near future.

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