Its the first of ATV Today’s regular Big Brother round-ups with Queenie and Vivian, showbiz commentators. This issue looks at the first three days in the Borehamwood house.

Warning: Contains strong language from the outset.

DAY ONE

Yes the launch of Big Brother 2012 is now here. 16 housemates are about to enter the Big Brother house; the hot tub is heated and the champagne is on ice! Which is far too posh for this lot of riff raff, but anyway…

Deana is told by Big Brother that she was randomly selected to be the first housemate to enter the Big Brother house, which means that she has won immunity from Friday’s eviction. Big Brother reveals a cruel twist; Deana will have to nominate 3 of her fellow housemates to face this week’s eviction.” The bitches.

In the living area, Essex girl Ashleigh tells Luke S, “You look like Robin Thicke.” Housemate Lydia has a feel of Adam’s arms then laughs adding, “Welcome to the gun show!” Chris tells housemates that he is surprised he wasn’t booed on entering the house.

Later Big Brother gathered the housemates on the sofa and announced to the housemates that Deana was randomly selected to be the first to enter the house and is therefore, immune from the first eviction. However she must now nominate 3 housemates to face the public vote this Friday. All of the housemates are shocked.

Well wouldn’t you be, its such a dramatic twist of fate darlings, I nearly needed to reach for a bottle of wine to recover from the trauma.

Prior to entering the house Indian beauty queen Deana told host Brian that she would find the task easy. She is now nervous, but her fellow housemates encourage her on. “F**k it,” she exclaims. Classy lady. Deana nominates Conor, Victoria and Lydia. She gives her reason for nominating Victoria as because she has ‘evil eyes’. Lydia looks stunned and says to Deana, “I thought I spent a long time talking to
you?”

Ooh its just like Dynasty, without the personality or drama as Victoria then confronts Deana about her reason for nominating her. “What are the evil eyes about?” she asks. “What else could I possibly say?” Deana retorts. “I’m not bothered in the slightest, it’s a game,” Victoria adds before hugging her.

In the kitchen, Benedict and Deana ask each other about their backgrounds. Deana tells him that she is the current Miss India UK and asks what he does. “I’m mainly a stripper, I also perform porn,” he replies. “From a teacher to a stripper!” Deana comments. Adam joins them in the kitchen and Deana asks while pointing at Benedict: “Do you recognise him from anywhere?!” and grins. Adam says that he doesn’t.

The word porn made us both darlings prick up our ears, but alas there was no cock on show. In the garden, Ashleigh, Scott and Luke A are getting to know each other. This is just lovely. Big Brother calls Deana to the diary room. Big Brother asks her about her nominations decisions. Deana says “Conor is the right decision; the two girls are the mistake. I thought it would be an easy decision but I’ve messed up”. Bit late now dear.

Then much excitement, so much I nearly wet my Tenalady  when  some of the housemates tested out the bathroom paying particular interest in the level of the frosting on the shower door. Sadly still no cock.

In the kitchen, Benedict and Caroline are having an open chat about his work and he tells her that he does straight porn. Yes darling, only straight porn. So you’ll not see him taking it up the crack, sadly. Victoria later enters the diary room. She tells Big Brother that some of the housemates are “grating” on her. The swearing is too much.” How fucking true, we don’t need fucking swearing on Channel 5 we want frigging nudity. She also tells Big Brother that she didn’t appreciate being called a “MILF” we’ve been called far worse darlings over the years. That’s tame. Vivian was once called cheap! Cheap? £15 for a blow job isn’t cheap!

Later in the kitchen, Victoria tells Caroline and Lauren that she’s against animal testing and is a vegan. Caroline exclaims, “You are so interesting.” Caroline cleary doesn’t know many interesting people if that is the height of excitement.

In the living area, a make-up free Lydia, Victoria and Luke A are discussing the nominations. The discussion turns to how the British public can be “stereotypical” when nominating. Luke A nods and Victoria believes that the public will judge her. Lucky we have no stereotypes in Big Brother then isn’t it… Yes I am taking the piss.

DAY TWO

It’s been 24 hours since the 16 housemates entered the Big Brother house and its been such an exciting journey all ready hasn’t it fans? You could look at least half interested!

The 16 new housemates are getting ready for their first full day in the house. Luke A is talking to Sara about telling the other housemates his secret and says that he must “take the bull by the horns.” Sara offers her support, but not her bra. In the bedroom Lydia asks her housemates, “What do we wear for the first day?” Nothing if it was up to us dears!

Luke A enters the diary room and admits: “I’m feeling really good but paranoid that people might think something about me that’s not the norm.” He tells Big Brother that he will be honest with his housemates and decided that he would tell his fellow housemates that he was born female, when he woke up.  He says that all he wants is to be honest and not have to lie about his scars or be ashamed about who he is. “I am who I am,” he adds. Sing it darlings, I am who I am, I don’t need praise, but I want fame and fortune on TV….

Lydia goes to the diary room to talk to Big Brother. She says she would have rather not have been nominated, “I forgave her (Deana) and moved on. When people get to know me they will absolutely love me,” she says. Like the nation loves pigeons or margarine.

In the garden, Arron, Benedict, Deana and Luke S are working hard on their fitness regimes, sadly with clothes on but then things look up as some of the guys show off their ripped bodies. Nice to see a bit of flesh on five.

Luke A decides starts to tell people he was once a she while in other gripping developments Caroline and Scott bond whilst sharing an apple at the dining table.

Benedict talks to some of the housemates about his stripping and porn background. He says that he is ‘mates’ with some of the people he acts with. Ashleigh is amazed, “Oh my god! That’s f**king amazing! I bet you’ve got a well big cock?!” Well come on sweeties, lets see it. If we can see talentless nobody Frankie Cocozza’s manbeef surely Channel 5 can give us a flash of a pornstars todger, which should have more talent in it than all the X Factor contestants put together.

Love talk is sweeping through the Big Brother house. Essex girl Ashleigh, who gives the county a reason to be proud, *laughs*, Caroline and Conor talk about possible love matches. Irishman Conor has a feeling that ‘Luke S is after Lauren’, Caroline thinks Deana and Benedict would be a good love match, and Ashleigh thinks that Benedict and Victoria would be suited. Some of the housemates are in the bedroom. Scott reveals that he would like to be with Brian Dowling. Deana says she thinks Simon Cowell is “perfect” and Victoria adds that she has met Hugh Hefner. Which is nice if anyone gives a fuck.

I have a match for all of this years contestant. Its called swift oblivion.

In the garden, Benedict admits to some of his housemates that he does get a bit nervous when he works as an escort. The teacher turned stripper continues, “My clients are often boyfriends and husbands who pay me to go out with their girlfriends or wives. I offer a service; they have to be happy with it.” Arron is intrigued but wouldn’t want to be an escort. More a Vauxhall Nova really in the scheme of things.

Chris talks to some of the housemates about Arron in the garden as he thinks he’s a liar. High voiced Chris thinks that the model/fighter is chatting shit about being a fighter, and says, “He’s playing the game in the house.”

It’s been a long day in the Big Brother house, and no doubt for those who’ve watched it so far, and the housemates head to bed, except for Luke A who opens up to Big Brother in the diary room. “Everyone was fantastic and understanding. I finally feel part of society; not to be judged feels refreshing.” He sums up with, “This has massively changed my life.” A happy end to day two. Will it last? I doubt it, will I we care? We doubt it.

DAY THREE

The hot topic of conversation in the house is the impending Friday eviction. Some of the girls are in the garden. “I think Lydia will go,” Lauren muses and Shievonne says that it might be Victoria. Lauren also agrees and tells them that she struggles to talk to her. “And I haven’t found myself like that with anyone else,” she adds.

Victoria and Lydia are talking about Deana nominating them for eviction and Victoria becomes upset. “You’ve been holding it in,” Lydia reassures her. Big Brother has called Conor to the diary room and asks what the mood is like in the house. Conor says that he isn’t sure about his fellow housemates but he personally has “perked up” since being nominated on the first night. He claims that he doesn’t care if Victoria leaves as she doesn’t want to be there.

Some of the housemates are using their time to relax and get better acquainted.  Ashleigh and Arron are lying end to end in the bathtub, massaging each others feet. This is more like it, mild titillation for the viewers. Luke S is bench pressing and power lifting Lauren in the living area. His muscles are bulging out as Lauren giggles uncontrollably. Sadly still no sign of cock yet.

Over the last few days, Luke A has revealed to most of his fellow housemates, like a sob story in the pages of Yours magazine, that he was born female. Today, Arron is the final person to find out. “No way, that’s exciting,” Arron tells him and adds that the way the world is “nothing’s strange anymore.” Well apart from Brian Dowling’s hairdo darlings.

Victoria is in the diary room. She tells Big Brother that she is acting “differently” to how she does in the outside world. She confesses to normally being the “life and soul” of the party adding: “I’m certainly not being that here.” Good television a bore does not make. She’ll be saying bonvoyage quicker than you can say Pete Burns.

Big Brother has provided the housemates with a game of Spin-the-Bottle.  Adam tells Lydia to give Victoria a lap dance during Truth or Dare and she does. The housemates cheer. Luke A is asked to name the worst thing about the person to his left. Adam is to his left. “The worst things is you’re too fucking cool for school man.” Arron gets the question ‘which housemate do you fancy most?’  He confesses that it is Sara adding: “I couldn’t even speak to you for two days!” Sara giggles and goes over and hugs him. “You are beautiful,” he adds. Sadly he doesn’t strip off and chase her around the room.

When asked to ‘perform a party trick’ Benedict walks over and straddles Victoria then snogs her. ‘The worst thing about the person to your left’ is next. “It’s those bloody evil eyes again!” Lauren jokes about Victoria. As a dare, Ashleigh snogs Benedict and Victoria looks annoyed.  Next, ‘one housemate must remove one item of clothing,’ and Ashleigh removes her top then pulls down her trousers and booty-shakes for her housemates. Arron is asked who he would snog, marry and evict and chooses Lauren and Sara and then pauses. “Who would you evict?” Victoria asks. “I’d evict you,” he quips. “There you go!” Victoria retorts.

It’s been 11 minutes since Arron chose to evict Victoria during the game of Spin-the-Bottle. She tells her fellow housemates that she thinks she is definitely leaving and will say that most of the house are “fucking dickheads”. She adds that she does not like “fake people.” We have to ask what she was doing applying for BB then? Its always been full of fucking dickheads dear who are as fake as Katie Prices’ tan.

Lydia and Deana are talking about Victoria in the kitchen. Victoria is in the bed and the lights are off. Arron tells her: “You don’t have to be mad anymore, you’ve changed.” “I just think you’re a bit of a twat that’s all!” she quips then takes off her bra. “Tonight I’m going to sleep topless,” she laughs. “I need all the votes I can get.” Arron tells her that he has always made an effort with her but was speaking the truth when he said he would evict her during their game.

Victoria says that she can’t wait to leave the house to watch the show at home. “There’s going to be some serious carnage,” she remarks. Arron quips: “The house will be more fun as soon as we get rid of people like yourself!” and claims that Victoria puts a “downer” on things.  “Okay cool,” Victoria adds and lies in silence. Conor goes into the kitchen and relays the bedroom conversation to Lydia and Deana. “If she doesn’t go on Friday I’ll be fucked off, I’d be snapping!” he rants. In the bedroom, Victoria lies in the dark crying. Isn’t Arron a bit of a bastard darlings? He almost makes the show exciting.

BIG BROTHER, NIGHTLY ON CHANNEL 5