As the Celebrity series, which has been lacking in any real stars this year, comes to an end we take our second look at highlights from the show.

While Channel 5 struggled to find anyone famous to inhabit the famous Big Brother house, those who have graced its walls have provided some television gold. Well not gold exactly, more television brass. Hop in for car crash television without a seatbelt.

Day 7 Highlights

For the past 48 hours the celebrity housemates had faced a magical task. For that weeks shopping task the Big Brother house had been transformed into a Fairytale kingdom. Following Big Brother’s call for one housemate to go to the diary room Karissa nominated herself to be Goldilocks.

But this years Celebrity Big Brother has been far from a fairytale.

Natalie and Nicola proved to be a big pair of naughty gossips and both agree that they would prefer that Georgia should be evicted instead of Andrew. They were ultimately greatly disappointed. Elsewhere Andrew told Michael that he has tried to be himself while in the house. “You super get on my nerves and I super get on your nerves, it’s a love hate relationship,” Andrew says. Just hate really, I think as far as I’m concerned Andy pops.

Georgia and Kirk were in the bedroom chatting while relaxing on adjacent beds. “Do you like me?” he asked. After a while, Georgia said “yes.” It’s more gripping that an episode of Brookside isn’t it? (ironic) No bodies under the BB patio – yet.

At the end of Day 7 Andrew was evicted, which was nice. Although amazingly Reject ‘nobody’ Frankie manages to remain due to the dubious quality of Channel 5 viewers.

Later Michael was shaving and – given his Reservoir Dogs character – had an ironic accident; cutting his ear. I’m more a Mary Poppins person really, so I can’t say I still have a clue who he is.

Loose Woman Denise Welsh discovers that all the alcohol has been downed, she states that it was “cruelty”. This obviously leads to a rather unhappy Geordie and later she gets into a row with yankie doodle doodar Michael. She asks the mega-famous movie star (ironic) why he spends more time in the Diary Room than with his fellow house mates.

“You go in for so long,” she moaned, which isn’t a complaint you usually hear from a Loose Woman. Michael replied bluntly, “You wanna know why? You wanna know the reason?” but Denise cut him off. She raised her voice and quiped “Oh, cos I’d so not be interested. Because I’m such a horrible person!” and nudged him off her bed. They then exchanged the F-word a few times, showing what a classy bird our Northern lass is. I know that some of her relatives on the Tim Healey side are rather posh minded, so I bet they’ll be hiding at the next posh nosh function they attend. Timothy’s wife has shown them up no end eh Margaret?

Following the previous days f-ing row with Denise of Loose Women fame Michael of major movie fame, apparently, told sexy hot homosexual rugby hunk Gareth that Denise “was all up in my face”. And not the first time for her I suspect, her former personal trainer no doubt had the same kind of experience.

Meanwhile in the Diary room Denise uttered the words the Loose Women audience no doubt say often while pissed off their tits over the weekend, “a loveable dick”. And there was plenty of dick to come thanks to the reject fame-seeking reject Frankie later.

Speaking of reject Frankie it was wonderful to see him,  yet again, riled in the Big Brother house. The Playboy twits, sorry, twins threw all his belongings into the swimming pool. Upon seeing is items bobbing he noted, “That’s not even funny, my coat’s in there”. Well lets face it he’s not in any rush to get his coat and bugger off is he, so does he need it I ask?

We’d already by this point had reject Frankie’s best asset exposed, his arse, so it had to be the turn of a girl to get a bit of flesh out and Natasha gladly obliged by exposing her nipped to the nation. Well a few million Channel 5 viewers. Was that the sound of an earthquake? No just a few million men starting to masturbate. Dirty Channel 5 viewers. Someone called Kirk who is no doubt ‘famous’ for something helped her cover up her knocker.

Day 9 Highlights

The thrilling rollercoaster that is Celebrity Big Brother continues with the hunky Gareth telling housemates, “I can’t remember much about last night.” Sadly, I can and its highlight was a nipple.

Michael and Natalie were in the kitchen talking about their friendship after life in the house. “I’m gonna see you no matter what,” Michael told her and Natalie says that would make her a “very happy lady.” She then whores herself out as a good actress who he should bear in mind for a movie. Doris Does Dallas larger portions I’d bet.

Reject Frankie decided to tell some of the housemates  he’d had a wank in the middle of the night. “I couldn’t sleep,” he laughed. Natalie feigned in disgust, better scrub that Dallas movie then Michael. Nicola wretched repeatedly. “I think I’m going to throw up,” she said. Gay men with dubious taste across the UK and on the Famous Male Forums no doubt however were being turned on by reject Frankie’s chubby tug.

Denise decides later to bring the tone of the proceedings to a higher level, which is more than she’s ever managed on Loose Women so it was a rare moment indeed. She asks Gareth what he would choose to have as his last supper and he chose tomato soup.

Denise asks Michael the last supper question and he looked confused before adding: “That makes no sense to me.” He told her that he wouldn’t want to eat before dying, “I wouldn’t be hungry,” he added.

Later in the living area some of the housemates are discussing their morals, surely most could count them on one hand. Natasha wouldn’t even be able to do that which is why she remained silent during the debate. Romeo was given the challenge of turning Reject Frankie from a pervert into a perfect gentleman.

“Treat her with respect,” Romeo said,“Don’t look at her breasts, nothing below the neck.” Later reject Frankie went on a date with Kristina’s who told Big Brother he had “good manners,” and was not talking about “whacking off.”

That night Natasha was the second housemate to leave the Big Brother house. Later in the hot tub, some of the housemates were playing truth or dare. Natalie was asked if she had sexual thoughts about any of her housemates. She says that she has.

Next, Natalie was dared to “tongue kiss” one of the twins. Natalie and Karissa shared a kiss. Another for the Daily Star readers and Channel 5 audience, to toss off over.

Day 10 Highlights

A flashback is shown of Frankie and Nicola in the hot tub from the night before. The Playboy twits made up gossip about Frankie snogging the married former page 3 tit star.

In the diary room, Nicola told Big Brother that she needed to go home because she got drunk last night and can’t remember much of it. Big Brother asked Nicola to think about it but Nicola said, “My husband means more to me than being on a programme.”

Later hunky Gareth is gave Nicola a pep talk in the bedroom. He hugged her and told her not to leave. Nicola later decided to remain. Reject Frankie confessed to someone called Kirk that he is fed up of all the gossip. He mentioned that the twins had falsely accused him and Nicola of kissing.

Nicola is reminisced about her Page 3 days. She told housemates that she did a shoot for the Daily Star newspaper in the Italian Alps. “It was freezing but so beautiful,” gosh Channel 5 is almost turning into Sky Arts with all this highbrow culture.

In the bedroom, Michael was sleeping soundly, and snoring loudly.

Day 13 Highlights

Kirk, Georgia and the twit twins of Playboy fame have an argument over nominations. Reject Frankie shows some sense and suggests Kirk should “Bite it, like you have never bit it before.” Sounds like something Denise would know about. Speaking of which…

Big Brother is throwing reject Frankie a birthday party. The housemates are in the party mood, as is Denise, when isn’t she I may well ask?. She takes off her top and trousers and joins some of the housemates in the hot tub where she exposes her elderly tits and causes a stir. Michael notes, “She’s too old to be running around like that.”

Day 14 highlights

Denise went into the diary room to talk to Big Brother about her actions, which she admitted is the norm for her. She said “what better way to end the evening than a 53 year old woman getting her tits out for the lads”. Yes Denise got her boobs out. Not to worry, we’re not going to show those, we’ve got cock later…

Nicola and Gareth later were in the bathroom discussing Denise. Gareth was shocked by her hot tub behaviour and the fact that she hasn’t apologised to the group. Nicola respected her free and easy attitude. “She just doesn’t care, there is only so much you can say – she is wild.” Gareth agreed.

That night Georgia was the latest zelebrity to bound out of the compound in Borehamwood once home to at least d-list celebrities.

Big Brother turned up the heat in the house, rather like re-boiling past it pasta, by announcing to the housemates that they would soon to take part in a live nomination. Housemates had a chalk board each, on which they were to write down the name of the two housemates they wished to nominate.

Unsurprisingly Michael nominated Denise stating, “I can’t stand another moment in the house with Denise, she is emotionally disturbed”. Only Gareth remained un-nominated by other housemates. The Playboy tits note that reject Frankie “is scared shitless right now because he knows the public will vote him out, because he is a pervert”.

Kirk and Natalie were later booted out in a double eviction, reject Frankie somehow remained. It had nothing to do with him giving the gay boys and low IQ girls flesh to drool over of course. Arse last week and this week…

Celebrity Big Brother Round Up Two Highlight So Far

Things got a little steamy in the hot tub when reject Frankie described as “a rude annoying pervert” decided to show everyone his penis. Thankfully, while naked, he also fell on his best talent – well his only talent – his arse. We were quite impressed with his knob, it has to be said. Shame it belongs to reject Frankie and not one of the nicer hunks like that dishy Gareth.

Celebrity Big Brother, with no celebrities, continues nightly on Channel 5.

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