Queenie and Vivian present the guide to avoiding the second week of Euro 2012 – an essential survival guide for all who wish to avoid the football!

WARNING: CONTENT OF AN ADULT NATURE

Well the first week of Euro 2012 is over and England drew against France and won against Sweden. This week we will play against Ukraine which means lots of “patriotic” bilge in the press in the run up to the game. If not watching the game or waving a flag around like a manic means I’m un-patriotic then I’m gladly unpatriotic darlings. To be quite honest I have a very low opinion of footballers who I believe are grossly overpaid for the actual job they do. The idea that these footballers get paid more than a Nurse or a Solider disgusts me that’s not what this feature is about. So without further ranging here is Vivian and Queenie’s Guide to Avoiding Euro 2012 – Week Two.

SATURDAY:

At 6pm Primeval returns to ITV1 for its fifth season – which originally aired on Watch last year. There isn’t actually any football up against Primeval but I felt the need to high-light its return and recommend it. Primeval has dinosaurs, time-travel and hunks such as Ben Mansfield so it deserves a special mention. Vivian and I quite like Primeval even if the scripts aren’t always brilliant and the special effects a little low budget it has a charm of its own and its one of the few dramas on ITV that isn’t crime related. So folks if you find yourself with some free time at 6pm tune in to Primeval!

On to the main purpose of our feature though; Czech Republic and Poland play each other at 7.10pm on BBC One tonight – once again no Casualty folks. At 8pm on BBC Two there’s a Culture Show special; Into Orbit followed by film The Young Victoria at 9pm starring Emily Blunt and Rupert Friend – the historical film is about the younger years of Queen Victoria. Alternatively at 8pm that Belgian detective Mr. Hercule Poirot is putting the Cat Amongst the Pigeons on ITV1 as Agatha Christie’s sleuth gets another repeat airing against the football – not that I’m complaining because I bloody love Poirot.

At 7pm on Channel Four there’s Sister Act starring Whoopi Goldberg while Channel Five offers up NCIS at 8pm followed by Big Brother at 9pm – does anyone actually care about the housemates? Can’t we just leave them there and turn the cameras off?

Euro 2012 invades the multi-channel world as Greece and Russia meet each other on BBC Three at 7pm meaning there’s no sanctuary from football there! Instead I recommend The Full Monty on E4 at 9pm as to be honest there’s bugger all I can find worth watching elsewhere tonight on all those hundreds of channels I’ve got.

SUNDAY:

Portugal and the Netherlands (that’s Holland to you thick people) play against each other at 7.15pm on ITV1. Beforehand ITV have found time in their schedule for an instalment of Emmerdale but will viewers realise its on? And what would Annie Sugden have said about a Sunday outing of the Yorkshire soap?

If you wish to avoid the football my best recommendation of the evening is for Once Upon A Time on Channel Five at 8pm. The episode is Skin Deep, the 12th of the first series, and Belle (Emille de Raven) becomes involved with Rumpelstiltskin (Robert Carlyle). If the fantasy drama doesn’t tickle your fancy (and why wouldn’t it) then BBC Two has Secrets of Our Living Planet at 8pm followed by Coast at 9pm – culture galore.

Or you could head over to the multi-channel universe where at 6.45pm on ITV2 there’s an airing of the 2005 Tim Burton film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory starring Johnny Deep. Personally I prefer the Gene Wilder film of the 1970s and don’t care for the Burton remake but most things are better than football. ITV3 offers up a night full of crime and murder with Poirot: The Mystery of the Blue Train at 5.55pm (one of my favourite episodes), Midsomer Murders at 8pm followed by Wycliffe at 10.05pm. If you’re still in the mood for homicide after all that there’s Cracker at 11.45pm!

At 10.35pm on BBC One new drama series True Love starring the likes of Billie Piper, Jane Horrocks and David Tennant kicks off and airs over the following nights. Why the BBC has decided to bury the series in this late-night slot is beyond me. Good British drama deserves pride of place in prime-time; not dreary old football!

MONDAY:

At 7pm on Monday depending on results Italy may play Ireland or Croatia may play against Spain. It makes little difference who plays who as it still needs avoiding so my selection doesn’t change at all. ITV1 offers up Emmerdale at 7pm followed by Coronation Street at 7.30pm but there is no second edition of the Salford soap as per usual.

Once again Euro 2012 invades multi-channel universe on BBC Three from 7.30pm: you have been warned. At 8.30pm on BBC Four there’s London On Film followed by Ukraine’s Forgotten Children at 9pm. ITV3 offers up another evening of murder starting at 6.55 with Jessica Fletcher (Angela Lansbury) in Murder She Wrote followed by Poirot, A Touch of Frost and Murder in Suburbia. At 9pm on E4 new soapy drama Revenge, hot from America, continues.

Don’t forget at 10.35pm on BBC One True Love continues.

TUESDAY:

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At 7pm England will face Ukraine fresh from their victory over Sweden on Friday evening. Ukraine is one of the host countries of Euro 2012 – along with Poland – so its a matter of national pride for them to beat us. So on Tuesday evening you may wish to watch Holby City at the earlier time of 7.30pm on BBC One – no one else probably will after England’s win on Friday. At 8.30pm Martin Shaw stars in Inspector George Gently – a repeat of. On Channel Four at 8pm there’s Embarrassing Bodies: Live from the Clinic as more Brits expose their unusual health problems. At 9pm there’s The Restoration Man followed by All in the Best Possible Taste with Grayson Perry at 10pm.

If you like seeing annoying brats break into song and dance randomly then High School Musical 2 is on BBC Three at 7.15pm. On BBC Four at 9pm actress Joely Richardson fronts a documentary on Shakespeare’s Women as part of the BBC’s season on Shakespeare. Yes you’ve guessed it there’s yet more murder and crime on ITV3 from 5.55pm with Heartbeat, Murder She Wrote and Midsomer Murders. More4 at 9pm has an interesting documentary; Wallis Simpson: The Secret Letters. History lovers may well wish to tune in for that. Sky Atlantic repeat Mad Men from the very beginning at 9pm – give it a go, you’ll fall in love darlings!

And don’t forget at 10.35 buried away on BBC One is True Love.

WEDNESDAY:

I hereby declare Wednesday a football free day! There doesn’t appear to be any matches on at all, hooray! So at 8pm on BBC One there’s an hour long trip to Walford as Jean (Gillian Wright) proves she isn’t to be messed with. EastEnders is followed at 9pm by legal drama Silk which reaches its second season finale. At 9pm on BBC Two there’s The Secret History of Our Roads while Coronation Street is at 7.30pm on ITV1 followed by a Midsomer Murders repeat.

At 10.35 True Love continues on BBC One and if you are a fan of Garrow’s Law it gets a repeat airing on BBC Four tonight at 10pm.

THURSDAY:

It would appear that ITV are showing the first Quarter Final on Thursday evening which starts at 7.20pm. So that mean’s there’s an hour edition of EastEnders at 7.30pm on BBC One followed by the repeat screening of Call the Midwife at 8.30pm. 9pm on Channel Four there’s The House the 50s Built.

At 8pm on BBC Four Brian Cox’s Wonders of the Solar System continues which is well worth re-watching if you’ve seen it before. The series is beautiful and Brian Cox makes all the science so easily accessible without dumbing it down. And even if you don’t like science he is something nice to look at for an hour.

FRIDAY:

It would as though BBC One are showing the second Quarter Final of Euro 2012 on Friday evening though on the actual day you may wish to double check this. So if the BBC does indeed broadcast the football match then ITV offers up Emmerdale at 7pm followed by a repeat of Lewis at 8pm. At 9pm on BBC Two the corporation’s Shakespeare season continues with Simon Schama’s Shakespeare.

BBC Four gives us David Bowie and the Story of Ziggy Stardust at 9pm. And to be honest that’s all I can find multi-channel wise worth watching!