ATV Today looks back at the highlights from the first week of television’s version of a Celebrity infested Travel Lodge. Warning: Contains strong language.

Day One

Julie Goodyear of Corrie fame is the first celebrity housemate to enter the house and is seemingly happy with where she will be living for the upcoming weeks. Cheryl Fergison from EastEnders is the next celebrity housemate to enter the house: “This is alright. It’s quite posh,” she says and embraces Julie. Big Brother calls the two soap stars into the diary room. After eventually working out where the diary room is, the women enter the diary room and are told about their secret task. “We’ve only just got here!” Julie exclaims. The housemates discover that their mission is to create a night of drama worthy of a soap opera and that for the rest of the evening they will be wearing an earpiece.

When Big Brother cues them they must use their ears of acting experience to deliver some high drama in to the house. If they go undiscovered and perform to Big Brother’s satisfaction, the whole house will be rewarded.

The Situation is next to enter the house and is greeted by the soap stars who are waiting for their first instruction on their secret mission. Big Brother tells Cheryl that she must take The Situation to one side and tell him that Julie once had an affair with an ex-boyfriend.

Stand-up comedian Julian Clary is next to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house and on seeing Cheryl jokes: “I didn’t recognise you without your balaclava on!” The housemates are getting to know each other and discuss what they do on the outside. As Rhian enters the house, Julie tells The Situation to behave himself. The Coronation Street theme tune begins to play in to Julie’s earpiece: “O heck!” Julie says taken back. Big Brother tells Julie that she must tell Rhian that she reminds her of the barmaid Raquel on Coronation Street and that she should be wary of men in the house. Looking over sheepishly at The Situation, Julie tells Rhian: “He’s on a reality show that one – be careful.” Rhian tells Julie that she appreciates what she has said and mutters: “I’ve got your back and you have got mine.”

Its been a bundle of giggles so far, hasn’t it? Journalist Samantha is next to enter the house and tells her fellow celebrity housemates about the reaction she received from the audience: “I expected to be booed” she claims. Prince Lorenzo is next to enter the house and says: “I don’t know what just happened out there.” Cheryl and Julie hear the soap opera theme tune once more in their earpieces. Cheryl is told by Big Brother that she must now tell Harvey that Julie had an affair with her ex-husband and cry on his shoulder.

Pretending to cry, Cheryl successfully tells Harvey about the affair. “You can’t get upset. Please don’t start. I’ve only been here for a minute,” he replies.

Danica enters the house and Rhian asks her whether she was booed. “No not really,” Danica replies and Rhian tells her that she did.  Judo Olympian Ashley is next celebrity housemate to enter the house and comments that his fellow housemates are unsure who he is and informs them that he is an Olympian. Harvey tells Ashley that he did well and that he is “proud” of him. Singer turned TV personality Coleen Nolan enters the house. Julian proclaims: “Very famous woman coming down the stairs.” On entering the house, model Jasmine tells fellow housemates that she is known for her “bad behaviour.”

The final celebrity housemate to enter the house is pop legend and actor Martin Kemp. “King Kemp is in,” Cheryl declares.

 Cheryl and Julie are told by Big Brother that they must stage an argument and that Julie must throw water in Cheryl’s face. On hearing Big Brothers instructions, Cheryl tells Julian that Julie keeps giving her “evils.” Confronting Julie, Cheryl tells her loudly: “Can we sort this problem out. These guys do not know the history!” Housemates surround the arguing pair. “Don’t talk shite”” Julie yells and tells Cheryl to “leave it!” before throwing water in her face. Martin and Jasmine console a tearful Cheryl.

 We dropped our Pringles with the excitement in ATV towers. Later celebrity housemates are gathered on the sofas and Big Brother reveals Cheryl and Julie’s secret mission. “I’ve still got it,” Julie quips. Housemates are shocked by the revelations and Cheryl tells them that their task was hard to do. Harvey tells Cheryl that he believed her up until the point she was crying: “There were no tears,” he sniggers.

The housemates are told that Cheryl and Julie have passed their secret mission and therefore, housemates will receive a party this evening.

Julian is in the diary room talking about his fellow housemates. When asked which housemate is likely to be the alpha-male, Julian says: “I think Ross Kemp will be. Oh the last one in. Martin Kemp – yep that’s him.” He is happy that he will be sleeping in the bed next to Julie and describes this scenario as “a dream come true.”

Early on the double act of Julie and Julian has been possibly the only highlight in this series for us. 

In the garden Jasmine and Harvey are speculating about why they seem to get on so well. Jasmine declares:” It is because we’re both addicts” and labels Harvey as a “sex addict.”

Day Three

It’s the second morning for the celebrities in the Big Brother house. “Cheryl, get that kettle on!” Julie requests as housemates prepare for the day. Julie sneezes then adds: “Now I’ve done it, sneeze, pee, that’s what happens what you get older, it’s nothing to look forward too,” she quips.  In the kitchen Julie tells Samantha, “That’s why Bette Davies used to say, ‘Old age ain’t for sissies,’” and they both laugh.

The celebrities are unaware that later today they will nominate face-to-face and Julian and Coleen are in the garden speculating. “We might nominate today, I bet we do,” Coleen tells him but Julian doesn’t think so. “It will be really awful cos we’ve only been here two days, I’m not ready,” she adds. Coleen not in the mood for nominating there.

Soap stars Julie and Cheryl are in the kitchen. Cheryl is preparing breakfast for them. “Have you been sent from heaven, you must have?” Julie tells her. Cheryl kisses her admits that she was “scared” about living in the house with Julie prior to coming in. “I thought, oh my God, an icon, a bit scary. I’m so pleased they gave us that task.” Julie reassures her and says she is also pleased, “We bonded straight away.” Cheryl says that this experience has taught her a lesson about having “pre conceived ideas” about people. Julie asks Cheryl what ideas she had about her and Cheryl says that she thought Julie would be a diva “wanting people to do things for you.” She continues then I thought, “No, she’s a northern, grounded woman.” “Plus, I’m fucking deranged,” Julie jokes.

The Situation and Prince Lorenzo are talking about their arrival at the Big Brother house. “It was crazy,” The Situation says. He mentions that he told host Brian Dowling that he would “wing it,” while in the house. “He said you’re gonna win it?” laughs The Situation as he relays the fact that Brian misheard him. Prince Lorenzo and Samantha laugh. “He didn’t even understand my accent,” he continues.

Julie and Harvey are sharing a banana and she notices that it looks bad. “It’ like a mouldy cock isn’t it,” she moans and Harvey laughs. “If there was a cock like that they’d need to go the clinic asap,” Harvey tells her.

Julie tells him that it tastes fine, “I’m not eating that after you called it…..” he laughs.” “Suck it and see,” Julie tells him and Harvey laughs. “You must have been alright back in the day,” he tells her. “Was I fuck, all talk and no fucking action,” Julie retorts.

Big Brother announces to the housemates that this week’s nominations will be happening shortly. The housemates are shocked and gather on the sofas as instructed. “Whoever gets nominated, no-one take it personally, it’s a game,” Martin encourages. As they prepare to nominate Julie looks stunned, “This is horrible,” she worries. Big Brother tells housemates that they must each choose one housemate to nominate and must do so face to face.

Later Big Brother announces that with three nominations each, Jasmine and Rhian will face the public vote.

Jasmine is in the toilet with Julie and can be heard sobbing as Julie comforts her and encourages her rejoin the housemates. “Let’s go in together, fuck ‘em all, stand tall girl,” Julie incites.

In the garden Coleen and Martin discuss life in the house so far. Coleen likens it to being on holiday and Martin mentions tonight’s events. “I find it really silly, the show is driven to make us talk about each other,” he muses. Some of the housemates are in the garden. Jasmine announces: “I’m stunned that prostitute lasted longer than I did, if I get kicked out I’ll make a wish list,” she laughs.

Day Four

Last night, housemates nominated for the first time face to face. In the bedroom, “Is it another sunny day?” Julian quips. “In paradise, yes!” replies Jasmine. He asks her: “Someone said you don’t remember much about last night?” She replies: “I’m starting to…in parts.”

In the garden, Prince Lorenzo and Martin are talking about why they nominated Jasmine. They both agree that they nominated her for the same reasons. “She seems to be getting worse each day. I’m generally worried for her,” admits Prince Lorenzo.

Martin tells Julie: “It’s hard to be married to an actress or an actor. It was hard for Shirley, when everything I did involved a sex scene on screen. That was really hard for her, we came through that, it’s easy after that.” The duo both agree that it’s difficult for a partner to understand.

In the bedroom, Jasmine states: “Today, I don’t give a shit. Where as yesterday it seemed really important. A massive pressure is off as it’s out of my hands if I stay or go.”

Coleen gets up and goes to confront Jasmine: “You’ve really upset Danica.” Jasmine replies: “I’ve got to be truthful, I really don’t care. She started the conversation with me; she didn’t need to do that. I told her she’s a pretty girl.”

“Did you call her a prostitute?” asks Coleen, Jasmine quips: “She is!”

Its task time, Julian and Julie will be looking for talent in the task Talent Agents. In this house it might be quite a problem to find any real talent we fear…

The rest of the house will perform for the two talent spotters.

Ashley is first to perform and acts out his transformation from a bad boy to a Judo Olympian. Cheryl puts her acting experience to good use and Coleen sings, ‘I’m in the Mood for Dancing.’

Danica is up next and quips: “I’m talentless!” She then strips down to her underwear and performs her trick the crab. Julie smiles: “Wow!”

Harvey performs his hit ‘21 Seconds’ which pleases the judges. Jasmine performs a seductive floor move, Julie comments: “That was absolutely stunning!”

Rhian shows off with her talents with facts in briefs. “Did you know the average size breasts in the UK is a 36C? I push the boundaries a little bit there!” Julian asks her: “What size are you?” She tells him 32DD.

Next up is Martin, he draws on his experience of acting and singing and acts out the lyrics to his hit ‘GOLD’ which brings Julie to tears: “Absolutely fabulous.” The judges are lost for words.

Prince Lorenzo plays a numbers game for the judges: “I’m the human tipping calculator!” He reels off a series of numbers which confuses the judges. Samantha tries to impress the judges with some yoga.

The Situation decides to just be himself: “I have created, crafted and perfected a character and his name is The Situation.” He lifts his t-shirt up to show off his defined abs.

After the talent rounds, the judges discuss all the performances. Julie states: “Martin is in the running. The Situation…you can’t just watch his abs all night” …. “I could.” Julian grins.

It goes all Most Haunted in the garden when Danica spots a seagull: “Julie there’s a seagull!” Julie jumps up and shouts: “Stay I need you. You promised and you’ve done it girl! I love you!” The seagull squawks back at her.

Danica thinks: “Julie that is unbelievable.”

“That’s my mate. She died not long ago and she said she would come back as a seagull when I really needed her,” explains Julie. She adds: “Thank you darling for pointing that out to me meant so much.”

“The fact she was talking back and floating around,” remarks Danica and continues: “My mum used to walk into any room and light up the whole room.”

Julie asks: “What do you mean used to?” Danica explains that her mum passed away when she was 14. Julie is shocked as she didn’t know and Jasmine listens on.

Its time for talent spotters Julie and Julian, to announce who they think should go into the final and win them the competition. Julian states: “The act I’ve chosen to take to the final is Ashley!”

Julie announces: “The act I have chosen to take through to the final round is Harvey and John!” All housemates cheer finalists.

Viewers have been voting for their winner of the talent task for the past three hours. Big Brother announces the winner, who the public voted for is Ashley! He is overjoyed and wins a VIP party for Julian and fellow teammates.

Day Five

Housemates awake after a restless night of sleep. Julie notices that Jasmine has been sleeping on the floor: “You know we’ve got an inmate on the floor down there,” she quips. Martin comes to kitchen and asks Julie and Julian whether there was a “snore fest” last night. Well there was in ATV towers while we watched CBB, but we’re not sure about in the house…

Both Julian and Julie claim that they didn’t hear snoring and Julie says: “My old man snores all the time, so I find it comforting.” Cheryl is in the shower and becomes agitated by the cameras: “Big Brother you are being really nosey to keep on looking in the shower!” she exclaims. Coleen laughs and slides the shower door closed for her friend.

Later in the garden Cheryl, Coleen and The Situation are talking about silky knickers. “They stain and they keep slipping off,” Coleen claims. We were surprised she wore any…

Cheryl continues: “It’s like friction. I feel like I’m going to self combust. Imagine if your crunch (sic) was like a matchstick box and if you’d grown a bit of hair on it, the friction would be up against that, you’d be up like a light! It would be like a ying-yang-yoo campfire starting!” The Situation is seemingly overwhelmed by Cheryl’s outburst and informs both girls that he will take any words he likes back to America.

In the diary room Harvey tells Big Brother that he has started to notice the true colours of his housemates: “ I’m not feeling the negative energy if I’m honest with you.” Harvey admits that he has seen a side to Jasmine that he does not like, despite him trying to help her with her problems. He admits that he is missing his daughter and shows his appreciation for “the good souls” in the Big Brother house: “Thank God for Cheryl, thank God for Ashley and thank God for Nanny Julie.”

Prince Lorenzo and Martin are in the kitchen, struggling with the cooker. With so many buttons on the cooker to choose from, Prince Lorenzo is puzzled: “What is all this?” he asks Martin.  Both men struggle to understand how to cook their potatoes and eventually Martin admits: “It’s all too complicated.”

In the kitchen, Cheryl complains that she has an itchy bottom and The Situation decides to pounce. Informing Cheryl that he wants to give her a one minute cuddle, she asks whether she can scratch her bottom at the same time. Cheryl becomes irritated by how long the cuddle is lasting adding, “I’m getting bored now!” Julie is jealous that Cheryl is feeling the love and wants a hug of her own from The Situation: “Oh I’m getting a bit damp,” she quips.

Martin is talking to Harvey about his acting career. Harvey realises that Martin has been in EastEnders and jokes: “Those cheques don’t bounce!” In the smoking area, Julie informs Julian and Ashley about swallows. Julian tells Ashley and Julie that he once stayed at “The White Swallow” hotel for gay guests and a naïve Ashley asks: “Was it nice?” Julie realises that Julian is being cheeky and replies: “Oh he doesn’t mean that type of swallow”.

Julian admits that he was trying to be funny and Julie says that she believed him. The stand up comedian replies: “Oh my delivery was all wrong!” Julie proposes that they should open their own “White Swallow” hotel and Julian quips: “Savaloy’s in every room!” Ashley begins to laugh and voices his fondness for the pair.

Later Julie and Julian are in the kitchen discussing plans for their new hotel. “The White Swallow, members only.” Julian quips: “Do we need to know if they’re gay, maybe we should give them a rectal examination upon arrival,” he laughs. “Would we do enemas?” Julie asks.

Day Six

Its time for the celebrities to take part in their first shopping task. In the bedroom, housemates are woken up by the song ‘Big Spenders’. Julie gets out of bed and starts dancing to her fellow housemates’ amusement. They all cheer her when the song comes to an end.

The garden which is filled with this week’s shopping task props is revealed to the housemates. They go and explore Coleen comments: “Oh god it looks like we’ll have to earn our breakfast!”

Coleen reads out Big Brother’s instructions: “You have won £1000! However, housemates must spend as much as this money as possible by the end of the day, and the amount of money they manage to spend today will be returned to them tomorrow as their weekly shopping budget.” Sally quips: “No problem!”

For the first part of the shopping task, Big Brother has laid on a big breakfast. Each housemate must pay for what they eat with their individual cheque books; the more they eat the more they spend!

In the gym, Harvey tells Martin: “The best thing you did yesterday was fall asleep!”

In the smoking area, Cheryl is quizzing Julie about her husband. “He was a stalker. I couldn’t get rid of the fucker! He asked me to marry him everyday for 11 years. He’s 27 years younger!” Cheryl listens on intently, Julie continues: “He’s an HGV driver, so down to earth and it works. To me it was emotional blackmail! He said ‘please please if you don’t marry me I will never be married so I will be alone for the rest of my life, please, just give me this one chance’ and I said, ‘fucking hell go on then!’ And that was it.”

In the kitchen, some of the celebrities are talking about toilet paper. Martin says quilted is the way to go and Cheryl admits that she will only use white paper. The soap star asks: “Have you used the cardboard roll bit?”

Martin admits that he has used that bit, and also a 10 pound note when he was in a nightclub as that’s all he had. The level of debate has reached the ITV mark now, so not far until we hit the gutter viewers...

As part of this week’s shopping task, Big Brother announces to the housemates that the Big Brother fun fare will soon open for business. For the next two hours, housemates must endeavour to spend as much money on the amusements and rides that have been set-up in the garden.

Julian is in the diary room. “I spend time avoiding intense conversations where people want to get deep about things. If I want to look deep within myself I will use a mirror on a stick! I try to keep cheerful…I have to avoid Jasmine as you don’t know when there will be some volatile moment.”

He continues: “The Occasional Table is the name in my head for The Situation, its more appropriate. He’s so dense, he doesn’t understand jokes. His image of himself is a stud, but he’s more of an occasional table. He said today that he thought of Harvey as a bruv, he said I was a kindly professor…interesting how other people perceive you, I was hoping I would be another bruv!”

In the garden, Big Brother offers Julie and Julian £30 for a one hour ride on the swan pedalo that’s in the pool. “Fucking hell! I must have been a bad bastard in my other life!” quips Julie. “We can’t say no!” remarks Julian. “When have you ever said no?!” jokes Julie.

For this week’s shopping task, housemates have had to spend as much money as possible by buying items from Big Brother. So far they have spent £32 on breakfast, Harvey bought 6 zentai suits for £30, Jasmine played the tuppence nudger costing £65, Samantha rode the ice rider for another £60 and The Situation and Prince Lorenzo rode the waltzer spending £40. Also housemates spent £9 custard pieing, £7 on candy floss and Julie and Julian bagged £30 in the pedalo totaling £273.

Martin is called to the diary room for the next stage of the task. Big Brother asks him: “Do you think you’re pretty rock and roll?” He replies: “No! I used to be, not now!” Big Brother tells Martin that there’s a rock outfit next to him that will help him reach his inner rock star!

Big Brother offers the actor to spend some money at the exclusive Big Brother boutique hotel: “All you have to do is smash it up rock and roll style!” He agrees, dons the outfit and struts himself up and down the garden as his fellow housemates cheer.

Martin enters the hotel room and gets to work trashing the place. At the end of his challenge, he has caused a massive £212 worth of damage taking the housemates total spending to £485.

Jasmine is in the diary room. “If someone said to me this was a race and you got to get to the end first, I would run for my life! If it’s about behaving yourself to stay here, I’m fucked!”

Day Seven

Martin is telling Samantha about the glory days of his music career. It took all of three seconds…

He describes this period of time as “amazing” and admits that it was a good way of growing up. Samantha listens intently and brands the conversation as “interesting.” It wasn’t really though, she was just being nice.

Jasmine and Julie are in the garden talking about personality traits. Jasmine jokes that she would rather be “dead than dull” and Julie replies: “Well we’re not going anywhere!”

Coleen is confiding in Cheryl in the living area. Coleen claims that she does not think that Julie likes her. Cheryl admits that she feels angry at herself as she has not been listening to what is in her heart. Despite making an effort with Julie, Coleen feels that the pair have not connected and feels bad about feeling this way because her fellow housemates adore Julie.

Later Rhian says profoundly: “Some people are cats and some people are dogs. Some people just don’t get along. If the cat approaches the dog then the dog is proper going to bite the cats face off.” A fair description of Essex.

Danica is getting made up by Julian as they play dress up. Looking at herself in the mirror the model brands her new look as “amazingly hooker like” and Julian jokes: “Well that’s what you asked for!”

Meanwhile, as Harvey is working out in the garden, Jasmine shrieks: “Who do you think you are, Jodie Marsh?” Harvey defends Jodie Marsh and informs fellow housemates that the recently acclaimed body builder did “really well in America”. Jasmine continues to tell Harvey and The Situation that women body builders scare her and that their bodies are not attractive. The Situation attempts the English accent, and Harvey asks him to repeat a number of sentences, before fellow housemates start to laugh.

Big Brother has given Samantha, Julie, Julian and Coleen a last chance to win fellow housemates more money in the “Big Spenders” task. “I really hope that it’s nothing nasty or that it tastes bad,” tells Coleen. Housemates are informed that they must tell each other home truths in order to win them extra shopping budget.

Firstly, Coleen is asked to tell Julie one thing that she would change about her, to which Coleen replies: “To be more honest than I think you are being.” Fellow housemates seem shocked by what Coleen has said and she is next to endure the rapt of Julian. When asked to describe Coleen in one word, the ever sarcastic Julian replies: “overweight”. Julie is asked to finish the following sentence about Samantha ‘When you walk in the room I think…’ and without hesitation Julie declares: “I think, you think you are fucking beautiful do you lady!”

When asked to describe Julian’s career in one word, Samantha quips: “mediocre” and a defensive Julian mutters: “It’s not over yet!” Coleen then tells Samantha that her worst feature is that her roots need doing before Julian informs Julie that her personality is “vulgar.” Julie replies: “Oh charming – thank you.”

Finally Julie is asked by Big Brother to give Coleen one bit of advice and declares: “It would be to shut the fuck up!” After an awkward silence, Julie asserts: “Well I think we’ve all bonded” and Julian rubs Coleen’s arm reassuringly before a narked Coleen bites: “Don’t touch my fat!”

Ooh ATV towers rocks with laugher, we love a bit of Coleen bashing, after all she spend a bloody decade on Sexist Slappers, sorry, Loose Women, talking shite and giving her view on others. Julie and Julian continue to be fab…

In the kitchen Julie is mulling over the home truths activity. “Well I think Coleen has probably topped herself!” she quips and adds: “Well Julian’s pissed off in the lavatory and won’t come out.” Samantha laughs and informs Julie that Julian said the worst thing somebody can say to a woman.

Cheryl is talking to Martin about meeting her husband on the internet. She tells him that he “liked” her husband’s picture online and the romance went from there. Cheryl asserts that her husband did not know what she did for work and in the beginning assumed that she was a struggling musician before he Googled her. Martin claims that the internet is “a great thing for meeting people.”

Julie and Julian are talking about their fellow housemates in the house. Julian tells Julie that he is dubious of Samantha because she is a journalist and speculates whether she will write an article about her experience in the house after she leaves. “She works for the Daily Mail,” Julian jokes and continues: “That’s all that needs to be said!”

ATV loves Julian. It is official.

Julie asks Julian his opinions on Martin and he quips: “He eats with his mouth full – that’s his only crime!” Conversation turns to Cheryl and Julian brands her as “long winded” before Julie adds: “She’s really into that internet isn’t she? That’s how she met him!” Julian continues to match housemates with where they sleep and claims that he wouldn’t be bothered if all the other housemates left the house. Julie agrees and quips: “It needs thinning out!”

Housemates are gathered on the sofas and Big Brother informs them that they have passed this week’s shopping task. Jasmine and Rhian are told that they have been selected to participate in the ‘Trolley Dash.”  They dash around the supermarket Morrison’s. Brand placement, Ca-ching.

Julian asks Julie to go for a smoke. In the bedroom, Julie is complaining that Rhian and Jasmine did not buy any butter: “I can’t have crumpets without butter!” Julie exclaims and Julian replies: “You’ll just have to have jam!”

Celebrity Big Brother, daily on Channel 5

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