Gossip Boi: Lamb

Gossip Boi Generic

Another highlight from the series’ of Gossip Boi written for ATV Today across 2007, 2008 and 2009. This is edition twenty, from December 4th 2008, of the third series with the feature entitled simply ‘Lamb‘.

Our London based columnist, Gossip Boy, continues his new season of columns as he reports all from the scandal laced world of London. He may have restyled himself as Gossip Boi but he’s still reporting all from the Streets of London and this week there’s a new face on the streets.

There’s fresh meat on the streets of Soho and he’s causing a stir. There is nothing like a fresh face to get the queens into overdrive and the slags out of their hiding places. There’s nothing like a fresh pair of boots strutting down Old Crompton Street to get the usual suspects throwing themselves at this new potential conquest. And right now on the streets of London there’s a handsome new man looking to find himself some hot action.

Let’s call this new blonde hunk Joel, as Gossip Boi wouldn’t like to reveal his true name. Naming names is so dam-right dirty and we’d only ever do that as a last resort. No we’ll stick with the purely fictional name of Joel but his name is where the fiction ends. Joel has just arrived in London from America which makes this hunk even more of a target for those that stalk the bars at night hungry for a fresh conquest and new meat. Conquering Joel won’t give these predators another notch on their bedpost, or something to gossip about with their pack friends, but will also make them feel cultural. Being cultural to these sexual predators means sleeping your way through the different nationalities that pass through the bars of London.

These poor victims could be tourists, exchange students or new in town but that doesn’t matter to these hungry animals and Joel has been well and truly stalked. He has been surrounded by a pack of hungry animals all hoping to make the kill and have the “proud” honour of making him their conquest. Fresh meat syndrome has well and truly set in with Joel and he’s now thinking he’s something he really isn’t. People aren’t interested in Joel because he’s interesting or funny or a good guy they are interested in him because he’s new, something different. Only problem is no one has told Joel this and boy is he in for a shock once he’s conquered and the novelty wears off – and a new specimen walks down the street and the predators abandon Joel.

London: Houses of Parliment

However, that is still a little way off and all that troubles Joel at the moment isn’t the loss of his new found friends but what to wear out. Yes folks it’s really hard being popular, man of the moment, having to decide what to wear, where to go and who to actually talk to. Yes who you’ll actually allow to speak to you instead of just blanking and who you’ll flirt with, hoping to pick someone up not realising that you are being well and truly played by predators who are experts at making the kill. Yes popularity is such a tough game especially when its popularity born on the back of being new. Everyone bar Joel is only too aware it won’t last but that, my friends, is life. Joel is like a newly born lamb and he’s being well and truly led to the slaughter.

The predators are circling ever closer but the little old lamb is too young, innocent and naive to realise the danger he is in and for Joel the danger lies in being another conquest of a desperate queen. These animals are dam right vicious and will assassinate your character quicker than you can draw breath or think up a witty comeback remark.

Gossip Boi would try to intervene but sometimes it’s more fun to watch from a distance rather than get involved and have all the complications that come with that. Besides with seen this game played many times before and it always ends the same. Joel will be forgotten by next week and these predators will have moved on while Joel is left behind, the latest has-been of the moment with no one really caring about his American accent or wavy blonde hair. Until then Joel had better enjoy the moment of popularity while it lasts because the clouds are darkening, the storm is coming and the animals are hungry for a kill and Gossip Boi loves a good downfall.

Gossip Boi


London's West End - 2009

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